Boerum Hill-based author Farnoosh Torabi — whose new book, “When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women,” is out Thursday — offers five tips for navigating the conflicts that arise when a woman brings home more bread than her mate.
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1. Face the facts
“No one’s prepared you for this. That’s the tricky part,” says Torabi.
“Relationships suffer when she makes more — there’s more divorce, there’s more infidelity on both sides. Women feel shame and wish sometimes they didn’t make more. They feel burdened at work and may not make more than the guy next door. Then they come home to motherly and wifely duties. That is not something we feel when men bring home the bigger paycheck.”
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2. Rewrite the fairy tale
“Rethink what it means to be in a mutually loving relationship in the sense of who your Prince Charming will be,” says Torabi.
“We grow up with the sense we’re going to meet this guy of our dreams who is our equal; sometimes that can get us into trouble. I come from a very traditional family with stereotypes instilled in me. I had to reconcile that, in my marriage, chances are I will always be the breadwinner, and that pressure’s going to be on me.”
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3. Level the playing field
“You want to avoid feeling resentment, avoid feelings of being less than, especially if you’re the man,” advises Torabi.
“When you approach love, take money off the table. You want a guy who is your equal in terms of your values. If you’re passionate about working as well as being a wife, it would behoove you to date men who aren’t so ambitious in those areas. It helps to have a beta complement you as the alpha woman.”
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4. Break the glass ceiling, but carry a shield
“If you’re a breadwinning woman looking for that promotion or raise, pursue it like any other person in that office would with full dedication,” says Torabi.
“Create a fine line between what’s going on at home and work. Make sure that at work you’re being promoted because of your performance, because you are valued. Don’t play the mom card at work.”
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5. Plan parenthood from conception to college ... and beyond
“I make more money, but Tim [my husband, a software developer] also brings in important salary. He’s funding retirement and the 529 plan for our future children. He takes pride in that. That’s a tweak to manage money and address the emotional component. For women who make more than their husbands, involve him in your decisions. Don’t feel that your money equals power in the relationship.”