Let’s face it. The Oscars are exhausting. Unless you’re an obsessive, it’s practically impossible to see everything nominated, from the Best Picture nominees to the documentaries to foreign films to, God forbid, the shorts. But don’t worry — that’s where we come in. This year, you don’t need to see a single nominee to sound like you know what you’re talking about during the Oscar telecast Sunday night. Here we provide the talking points you need to sound like an Oscar pro, plus the things to avoid that’ll make you look like a total novice.
The red carpet pre-show
Say: “Lupita Nyong’o sure has become a breakout fashion icon this awards season.” Be sure to reference that red Ralph Lauren cape from the Golden Globes.
Don’t say: “I wonder what Jennifer Lawrence will wear.” As long as she remains a Dior brand ambassador, it will be Christian Dior, now and forever.
The host
Say: “Remember Seth MacFarlane’s tasteless, bro-tastic misogyny last year?” Then, gleefully point out that Ellen DeGeneres would never go there.
Don’t say: “Where’d the host go?” The host shows up for 10 minutes in the beginning and then we’re lucky if he or she ever pops by again for more than a one-liner.
The death montage
Say: “Why wasn’t [insert obscure cinematographer who died over the past year] included?” Everyone will just nod.
Don’t say: “Philip Seymour Hoffman really should’ve . . .” Just stop, no one needs to hear this right now.
The Oscar for Best Picture
Say: “Do you think Oscar voters will go with ‘Gravity’ because they enjoyed it most or with ‘12 Years a Slave’ because it’s the most important film?”
Don’t say: “I was rooting for ‘Saving Mr. Banks.’ ” It’s time you swallowed that bitter pill with a spoonful of sugar.
Actor in a Leading Role
Say: “Why does Leonardo DiCaprio want this so bad?” The guy’s been out on the campaign trail a lot lately — but the deal seems sealed. With four nominations already under your belt and plenty of Scorsese movies surely to come, why try so hard, bro?
Don’t say: “All right, all right, all right!” when Matthew McConaughey wins. He has already done that. You are unoriginal.
Actress in a Leading Role
Say: “Will Dylan Farrow’s sex abuse allegations against Woody Allen affect Cate Blanchett’s chances?” According to many anonymous academy voters, the allegations won’t affect much, but still, this is a thoughtful person’s question.
Don’t say: “Meryl Streep really overacted in ‘August: Osage County.’ ” We know it, and she even seems to know it — she barely promoted the film. Let her have her peace.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Say: “What do you make of those in the LGBT community who are upset that Jared Leto played dress up and took a part that could have been taken on by an actual transgender actor?” Be prepared for a debate and/or anger.
Don’t say: “I’m the captain now!” when Barkhad Abdi comes on screen. Actually, never mind, that’s still fun. Carry on!
Actress in a Supporting Role
Say: “It will be a crime if Jennifer Lawrence’s popularity grants her a win over the extremely deserving Lupita Nyong’o.” It’s difficult to root against America’s BFF, but it is also the right thing to do.
Don’t say: “Who is June Squibb?” June Squibb is a gem, and you should have heard her foul mouth in “Nebraska.” She’s also going to be Hannah’s grandma on “Girls,” so there.
Director
Say: “Steve McQueen handled his film with such care, but wow, Alfonso Cuarón pulled off such a technical feat!” These are valid opinions, and you should have at least one of them.
Don’t say: “I’m rooting for Scorsese. ‘Goodfellas’ is the best!” “Goodfellas” came out in 1990. This is for “The Wolf of Wall Street.” Are you even trying?
Animated Feature
Say: “It’s a huge blow to Pixar that ‘Monsters University’ didn’t make the nominees cut.” Then, offer up that it’s great the academy notices barely known foreign works like “Ernest & Celestine” instead of mediocre prequels.
Don’t say: “ ‘Frozen’ is overhyped.” There will never be enough hype for “Frozen.” It is magical and wonderful and the best.
Documentary Feature
Say: “It’ll be interesting to see whether the academy goes with the critical fave, ‘The Act of Killing,’ or the populist fave, ‘20 Feet From Stardom.’ ”
Don’t say: “I tried to watch ‘The Square’ on Netflix, but I got too bored.” This very likely may be true, but it’s also embarrassing.
Foreign Language Film
Say: “All those little clay figures in ‘The Missing Picture’ seem like they took a lot of work to make.” They did.
Don’t Say: “I couldn’t watch ‘The Hunt’ because the child abuse subject matter was too much for me.” He was innocent! That’s the whole premise!
Original Screenplay
Say: “ ‘Her’ deserves to win because I would never have thought Siri could be so eloquent.”
Don’t say: “Will Dylan Farrow’s sex abuse allegations against Woody Allen affect his chances at winning?” We already covered this with Cate Blanchett. Please pay attention.
Adapted Screenplay
Say: “Post film critic Kyle Smith single-handedly took down any chance of ‘Philomena’ winning this one.” That’ll open a can of worms or two.
Don’t say: “Wait, ‘12 Years a Slave’ really happened?” Why you should not say this should not require explanation.
Original Song
Say: “Pharrell is red-hot right now. Do you think his Hot 100 success will give ‘Happy’ the edge over the very popular ‘Let It Go’ from ‘Frozen’?”
Don’t Say: “The Golden Globes chose U2, so I think they’ll win.” This is a different voting group, and most likely one that won’t be enthralled by the band’s blah-fest.
Original Score
Say: “I’m sad Alex Ebert wasn’t nominated for ‘All Is Lost.’ I wanted to see his Golden Globes hair again.” We all did.
Don’t say: “What is a score?” Go home.
Costume Design
Say: “I fell asleep during ‘The Great Gatsby,’ but boy were those flapper dresses pretty!” Just don’t let “Gatsby” champion Lou Lumenick hear you.
Don’t say: “Can we give a special award to Amy Adams’ cleavage in ‘American Hustle’?” This is sexist.
Production Design
Say: “Those ‘Great Gatsby’ party scenes were crazy elaborate!”
Don’t say: “I’d kill to be at one of those ‘Great Gatsby’ parties!” You have missed the point of that movie.
Makeup & Hairstyling
Say: “How was ‘American Hustle’ not nominated for this?” Your guess is as good as Bradley Cooper’s perm’s.
Don’t say: “I was rooting for ‘The Lone Ranger.’ Nothing else that comes out of your mouth the rest of the night will have merit.
All the other technical categories
Say: “I don’t really know what this category is about, but I guess it’s probably going to be ‘Gravity.’ ” In most cases, this is pretty much fair.
Don’t say: “I’m sick of ‘Gravity’ winning everything.” Would you rather the less good films win?
Animated Short
Say: “ ‘Get a Horse!’ is great, but I can’t help but wonder if it was always going to win because you can’t vote against Mickey Mouse.”
Don’t say: “ ‘Feral’ was too creepy.” Animation is not just for kids.
Documentary Short
Say: “Did you hear the oldest known living Holocaust survivor who is the subject of ‘The Lady in Number 6’ just passed away?” It is very sad and true, but she did make it to 110.
Don’t say: “Who would want to watch a documentary about cave digging?” Actually, “Cave Digger” is mind-blowing — the guy builds caves out of nothing!
Live Action Short
Say: “ ‘The Voorman Problem’ is going to win because Martin Freeman is in it.” We wouldn’t put it past the academy.
Don’t say: “ ‘The Voorman Problem’ is going to win because it’s the only one without subtitles.” We have to have faith that this isn’t true, otherwise we as a society have failed.