They can name that tune in no notes.
Their secret kale recipe has 40 calories, yet tastes like chocolate.
The F7 key on their computers conjures super models — life-sized.
Their rolling stone not only gathers moss, it gathers money.
Their limo drivers have limo drivers.
They are the New York Yankees, and they just might be the most interesting team in the world.
Can they win it all in 2014? No idea. But I am pretty sure no roster contains more storylines that captivate. It is, in fact, possible Derek Jeter is the most interesting player in the sport — I wonder if he drinks Dos Equis? — and Masahiro Tanaka the most fascinating pitcher.
Jeter is on his farewell tour, and my curiosity runneth over to see how a man who so valued his privacy, dignity and singular tunnel vision for championships will handle the attention and distraction of being feted city to city. Plus, you know there is this little thing — can he still play after that fractured left ankle with age 40 coming fast?
Tanaka costs $175 million, and it just feels like the status of the current and future Yankees rotations is in the hands of a guy who sometime in April will throw his first major league pitch. His first. Ever. Forget Austin Powers — this is the International Man of Mystery.
Also: I am riveted how David Robertson handles taking the ball from Mariano Rivera. If CC Sabathia has anything left in that burdened left arm. Whether Michael Pineda finally can justify his acquisition. How the trio of Carlos Beltran, Jacoby Ellsbury and Brian McCann adjust to the Bronx portion of their programs. Though he might be out of sight, Alex Rodriguez is not completely out of mind — when does he surface, what does he say, what is his future?
Though no other organization can equal the Yankees for interesting individuals, the game certainly is not lacking as the first pitch of the season arrives. Here are the 10 who promise to fixate my attention throughout this year:
1. Ryan Braun
He used illegal performance enhancers, lied about it, impugned the integrity of an innocent sample collector and escaped suspension. He did illegal performance enhancers and was bounced for 65 games as part of the Biogenesis case.
So — at least outside of Milwaukee — he is perhaps the most hated man in the sport (non-A-Rod division). He will have to prove he can succeed with that animus floating around him and — in theory — without chemical help. And the Brewers are in a desperate spot because they still owe him $117 million through 2020. He made an on-field statement early: In his first nine plate appearances of spring, Braun was 6-for-7 with a double, two homers and two walks.
2. Yasiel Puig
Is he a meteor who burns out quickly or does he have staying power? He went from Double-A to folk hero in a few easy lessons last year doing stuff on the field that wowed you — good and bad. The Dodgers are trying to figure out how to refine him without removing the aggression that makes him special.
He showed up to this camp off of a DUI arrest in the offseason and 20 pounds heavier, just raising the fear component about him. The next chapter — whichever way the Wild Horse goes — promises drama. For now he owns this title — major leaguer hardest to take your eyes off.
3. Joe Torre
He is just one of the faces and administrators of the new instant replay rule this year along with Tony La Russa, John Schuerholz and pretty much the entire leadership of the sport. The system is going to fix many wrong calls, but because of the newness there will be plenty of chaos, controversy and gamesmanship.
Can’t wait to see how managers such as Joe Maddon and Buck Showalter try to gain subtle — or not too subtle — advantages with his system. Get ready for plenty of days when MLB is pushing folks like Torre forward to try to keep replay brushfires from turning into four-alarm catastrophes.
4. Bud Selig
He has announced this is his final season. Let’s put it this way — there are many in the industry who will believe he is stepping down Jan. 24, 2015, when they see it. But if it is his swan song, then there are substantial legacy questions in play, including the move to expanded replay plus new guidelines on home-plate collisions.
Perhaps most vital, though, is if Selig has the influence in the naming of his successor — his favorite appears to be right-hand man, Rob Manfred. Does Selig have the political capital still to get Manfred installed seamlessly or is there going to be palace intrigue — and backstabbing — about who is the next king. Talk about your Game of Thrones.
5. Tony Clark
When Marvin Miller left the top spot at the Players Association, it was obvious Don Fehr should take over. The same when Fehr left and Michael Weiner ascended. But the person to succeed Weiner upon his too-soon death was not as obvious.
Clark is not a lawyer. His strongest experience comes from being a player. He has hired several players — Dave Winfield, Bob Tewksbury, Jeffrey Hammonds — to help. He told me it was something he and Weiner had been discussing doing, and it is clear Weiner was trying to speed up Clark’s apprenticeship.
Clark is smart and personable. But there is growing tension in the player-management relationship to a level not seen in a while. Manfred and Weiner worked well at defusing tension and keeping labor peace. There are war drums, though, beginning to sound for 2016 negotiations. Clark, at least initially, appears ready for labor war.
6. Robinson Cano
He got preparation last year for hitting in a lineup without much protection. Still, he had a short right-field porch, the big-city lights of New York and the annual promise of contention. Cano got $240 million to leave. But already in spring training he was playing general manager, recommending players the Mariners should enlist. If a few more years of non-contention are coming for Seattle, how soon before it is trying to trade him for 60 cents on the dollar to recoup as much of the contract as possible? Will his new beard conceal frustration?
7. Mike Trout
These are the players who had a higher career OPS through their age-21 season (1,000 plate appearances minimum) than Trout’s .948: Ted Williams, Jimmie Foxx, Mel Ott. Not just Hall of Famers, but top-rung Hall of Famers. Want the rest of the top 12? Frank Robinson, Eddie Mathews, Alex Rodriguez, Mickey Mantle, Orlando Cepeda, Al Kaline, Miguel Cabrera and Ken Griffey Jr.
This is the company Trout is keeping, the track he is on — and he is doing it also with base-stealing and defensive acumen. The Angels almost certainly will be announcing a historic, long-term contract for him shortly after the season begins so as not to have it count toward the luxury tax until next year. I can’t wait to see what he does next.
8. Noah Syndergaard
His arrival date in New York is June or July at the earliest. But it will be beguiling to see if he is the real thing and join Zack Wheeler and Matt Harvey in 2015 atop the Met rotation.
9. Matt Williams
Both Williams (Nationals) and Brad Ausmus (Tigers) are first-time-anywhere managers taking over teams good enough to win titles now. Being a major league manager is like getting into the ring with Mike Tyson — you think you know what you are in for … and then you get hit. You can prepare, but not fully. So are Williams and Ausmus quick learners who do not detract from championship-ready clubs?
10. Albert Pujols
They don’t have the volume of intriguing stories the Yankees have, but the Angels might be the second-place squad with Trout, Pujols and Josh Hamilton, in particular. Pujols, a three-time MVP, had a down year (compared to his career) in his first Angels season in 2012 and missed half of last season with a foot injury.
He is apparently healthy and certainly motivated by all the questions about what he has left at age 34. And because he still has eight years at $212 million left on his contract, Pujols is either going to rejuvenate or become the clubhouse leader, perhaps, for worst contract ever given.