Put down that dopey souvenir besom and back away from the HDTV — you’re not spending the remainder of winter vicariously living through the US Olympic curling team (again)! Drought-plagued Cali may have that stupid smirk on its balmy face, but deep down it only wishes it had a tenth of all that white stuff that continues to fall on us. Here are 10 La-Z-Boy-less ways to make the most of our great outdoors, all without leaving the state — ’cause if you can’t beat the polar vortex, join the bastard.
Skijøring
Lacona
Get all mushy on us — ’cause horse power ain’t got nothing on the canine variety. This tweaked, considerably less self-flagellatory version of cross-country skiing, imported from our good ol’ blond friends in Scandinavia, tethers you — upright on skis — to one or two dogs wearing chest harnesses, who eagerly tug their best-albeit-lazy friend right along with.
Adirondack Kennel’s two-time international silver medalist dog racer, Roy Smith, can supply the pups, harnesses and belts; but it’s otherwise B.Y.O.Skis (it’s $75 for a team of two dogs).
Next time it snows in Central Park, give him a ring and he might pack up the pooches and meet you there, no joke.
adirondackkennel.weebly.com
Tubing
Lake Luzerne
Get thee in a giant rubber doughnut that accommodates whatever junk’s in your trunk and down one of the Tubby Tubes Co. Outdoor Fun Park’s nine curving, twisting tubing lanes (two are over 1,000 feet long).
Turns out, tubing “doesn’t require any skills,” they boast, so it’s kinda like the most perfect sport ever.
The lodge — oh, you better believe there’s a lodge — sports a fireplace and hot cocoa.
Day passes are only $18.95/person — $29.95/person season passes are available for use through April Fool’s Day.
tubbytubestubing.com
Snowkiting
Lewis County
Snowboarding and kitesurfing had a baby — snowkiting be its name.
Check it out in person at the Tug Hill Snowkite Rally on Feb. 15-17, then start working toward your International Kiteboarding Organization certificate (fits perfectly over your philosophy degree on the wall) with Kite Club New York, which will be offering specially priced lessons.
kiteclubny.com
Bag jumping
Findley Lake
Er, that’s “bag,” as in a giant splayed-out airbag — like the kind used by Hollywood stuntmen; feels like “landing on a cloud” — that’ll break the fall of whichever trick-happy skiers/boarders dare launch from Peek’n Peak Resort’s ski jump (hidden behind the Retreat).
Just opened the 1st of the year, you have to obey a couple of rules: wear a helmet, don’t use poles and, most of all, commit to the jump; no last-minute wussying out.
A GoPro camera should be mandatory, but alas, it’s only encouraged. Park tix from $45/day.
pknpk.com
Ice climbing
Catskills
Pick your battles, literally, with the ice climbing gurus at Mountain Skills, who’ll take your crampon-booted butt on viewtastic vert and horz tours of Stoney Clove, Deep Notch, Moore’s Bridge and the Asbestos Wall, one ax plunge at a time.
Beginning half-day lessons start at $195 if you’re solo, $110 if you bring along three other pals; more advanced courses and lessons available, too.
mountainskills.biz
Zip-lining
Catskills
Not that anyone’s counting or anything but … the longest, fastest and highest zip-line canopy tour on the entire continent of North America is found at none other than Hunter Mountain.
It spans over four miles long, rises up to 600 feet off that ground you’re not looking down at and hits speeds upwards of 50 mph.
Take that Park City! Tours from $89/person.
huntermtn.com
Snowshoeing
Adirondacks
This sorta-sport has come a long way since snowshoers wore tennis rackets on their feet — now they’re more like midget skis.
Slip on a pair and freely ($-wise) stomp about the 700 acres of trails offered by Warrensburg’s favorite all-inclusive, three-meals-a-day-servin’ dude ranch, Ridin-Hy, when you stay overnight midweek from $155/person.
Good through March 15.
ridinhy.com
Downhill
Adirondacks
More stat sex to whet your whistle: Whiteface Mountain is the fifth-highest mountain in NY, has more protected park area than Yellowstone and Yosemite combined and offers the most feet of vert drop east of the Rockies — that’d be 3,430.
Skiers, boarders, skeletoners, bobsledders, biathlete snipers, skaters, snowshoers, even museum goers are welcome to it.
Tickets are $85/person in peak season, $60 in late.
whiteface.com
Sleigh riding
Lake Placid
You don’t have to be fat, flying and facial-haired to mob a sleigh around in the winter.
A much mellower experience from most everything else on this list, you simply cozy up in a horse-drawn carriage — privately ($102/person) or in a group ($48/person) — and giddy up around Lake Placid. Cocoa, cookies and warm blankets included.
The operator, Adirondack Equine Center, is nearly four decades in the game and uses rescue animals spared from the meatball factory; good guys, indeed!
nysleighrides.com
Snowmobiling
Southern Tier
Honor the memory of the late, great Caleb Moore the way the pro snowmobiler would’ve wanted you: blitzing around Chautauqua Lake-Allegheny country at near-Autobahn speeds (at least in your mind).
You have your pick of sled: the 600cc Polaris 600 Rush or the XL-windshielded Polaris Turbo IQ LXT, which promises warmer blitzes.
Two-hour self-guided tours from $135/person
clsnowmobiles.com
For more chionophile ops in the Empire State, visit wintergetaways.iloveny.com.