Andrea Peyser

Andrea Peyser

Metro

With Super Bowl in town, sex trade’s got game

The most strenuous action on Super Bowl Sunday won’t take place on the playing field. Well, not the official one.

Practitioners of the world’s oldest profession are dusting off racy lingerie, brushing up on dirty pillow talk, oiling up leather paddles and gearing up for profitable debauchery unseen since the days of ancient Rome, or this country’s last mega-sporting event.

“Sometimes, you get the winners who are celebrating, and sometimes you get the losers who are lamenting, poor guys,’’ a woman who goes by the name Ethyl Radykle, a manager of The Dungeons of Mistress Elizabeth bondage parlor in Midtown, told me.

“At the end of the day, they all come for the same thing. They’re all losers, anyway,’’ she said.

Maybe it’s game-day emotional stress that drives men and even some women into strange arms. But those in the flesh-peddling industry have a golden opportunity to profit from football fans’ drunkenness, neediness and bad decision-making.

Worse, pimps who traffic in human misery have a good shot at recruiting countless women, men, boys and girls for potentially dangerous vice.

Why do huge American sporting events — in this case, the epic matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos at Jersey’s MetLife Stadium — go hand-in-hand with the lowest forms of human behavior? Even as police from here to New Jersey go on an illicit sex-busting spree, the number of working girls and guys advertising sexy “Super Bowl Specials’’ is spiraling into the hundreds on Web sites such as Craigslist.com and Backpage.com.

Even harder to patrol are the fetish-friendly dungeons that exist in the shadows of New York, where dominatrixes wearing stiletto boots and polyvinyl chloride get-ups or sexy-teacher outfits charge up to $250-an-hour for whipping and humiliating clients. These pain palaces are legal — as long as employees provide no actual sex. Major credit cards are accepted.

Pandora’s Box dungeon in Chelsea has advertised Super Bowl discounts all week on its Web site, inviting football players and fans to join the party. “When any sports game is on, the guys are watching the game. Afterward, who knows?’’ day manager Mia told me.

The go-to Web site for Super Bowl funny business is Backpage.com. One “mature’’ female is running an ad touting her game-day discounts along with her “Unmatched Skills.’’

Creepier still, John, 48, and Richie, 25, sell themselves as a father-and-son team of escorts catering to men. Thankfully, the relationship between the North Jersey duo is a “fantasy,’’ Richie told me, and the guys are just friends who work construction during the week.

“We’re not doing anything illegal,’’ said Richie, who rationalizes the pair’s double life by claiming that they merely get paid for providing “companionship.’’ Or, for John to dress up as a woman. Anything else is free.

I need a shower.

“Any hooker that can walk will be in Manhattan’’ during the Super Bowl, a police source told The Post. To meet the challenge, the NYPD has ramped up enforcement, arresting 298 people on prostitution-related charges from the beginning of the year through Jan. 26 — a 30 percent spike from the 229 busts made in the same period last year, a police spokesman said. Cops generally concentrate on catching johns and pimps, treating hookers as victims.

On Thursday morning, nine madams and two drug dealers accused of operating a high-priced Asian prostitution ring were arrested in Manhattan by officials from the office of state Attorney General Eric Schneiderman. They were charged with conspiracy, sale of narcotics, promoting prostitution and money laundering.

But do high-profile arrests put a dent in the sex trade? Even some anti-sex trafficking activists dispute that the Super Bowl really increases paid sex, concluding that it’s a lot of hype.

Really?

“We’re discreet,’’ taunted Richie, the paid companion.

As long as the prostitutes, perverts and victims are in play on game day, the Super sex trade will flourish.

We are not amu$ed!

Is Queen Elizabeth going broke?

After spending money last year as if it were going out of fashion, the British royal household saw its cash reserves plummet to a mere million pounds (about $1.6 million), according to a shocking report by British lawmakers. And if you’re not exactly crying in your pint of suds for the queen, know that the monarch has to invest up to $1.6 million just to replace the 60-year-old boilers in Buckingham Palace. And bedrooms in Windsor Castle are falling apart!

The queen might consider downsizing her staff. Or clipping coupons.

That’s not so smart, Alec

Rageaholic actor Alec Baldwin slammed agents of the US Transportation Security Administration on Twitter for what he called a “pat-down’’ search of his 5-month-old daughter, Carmen. Trouble is, Alec, wife Hilaria and the baby were boarding a plane from the Bahamas en route to New York at the time. The Bahamas are not part of the United States, and the TSA doesn’t operate there.

“I guess what I’m saying is: Traveling in the US is a pain in the . . . ass,” Alec tweeted after being set straight by Twitter followers.

You weren’t in the US, Alec. Get a grip.

Treated just like garbage

Residents of Manhattan’s Upper East Side say they feel no love in Mayor de Blasio’s New York. After first getting buried under snow — Hizzoner even admitted “more could have been done’’ to plow out the nabe more quickly — denizens of the affluent corner of Manhattan complained that they were buried under garbage earlier this week, as city trash pickups were slow to nonexistent.

During his mayoral campaign, de Blasio demonized residents of the ’hood as entitled slackers, particularly those living on tony Park Avenue.

But a mayoral spokeswoman said it was “absurd’’ to speculate that any neighborhood was targeted for slow trash removal.

Maybe Upper East Siders should invest in nose plugs for those summer days when garbage really stinks. Just in case.

Bring back Culk classic

My, how he’s grown. Macaulay Culkin, who rose to stardom at age 8 in the 1990s movie “Home Alone,’’ is now 33 and bearded, and — hold the phone — he’s kicked off a nationwide tour in Brooklyn, singing in a pizza-themed band, The Pizza Underground. It covers old Velvet Underground tunes, The Post’s Reed Tucker reported. Seriously.

“She’s a pizza gal. Everybody knows the things she likes to eat, sausages and cheese,’’ go the lyrics of “Pizza Gal.’’ The unimpressed crowd at Culkin’s debut thinned out after five minutes.

After years of obscurity, it’s nice to have you back, Mac. Just try another act.