There are but two days a year our puritanical society ceases and desists its slut-shaming of us debauchees: Halloween — obvs — and sweet, sublimating Valentine’s Day. When the latter comes around, you can’t mess around, gents — fail in the Valentine’s Day gift games and you’ll be lucky to score a bronze. The she in your life actually wants you to … sigh… earn it. That doesn’t have to suck when it takes the form of a well-crafted laycation. Here are get-lucky-number 13 ways to get the ball rolling — all prices are per night, per couple unless otherwise noted.
Guatemala
Sure, back in the day Mayans may have preferred real sacrificial human hearts to the chatty candy sort, but their modern ancestors ‘round Guatemala know how to set a more abrazos y besos mood. Squatting on Central America’s deepest lake, Lake Atitlan, seven-bedroomed Casa Palopo’s Romance by Palopo package includes a night at its sister property in Antigua (Casa Palopo Villa Antigua), two nights at the lakeside property, a bottle of sparkling wine and cheese, a boat tour to the lakeside towns of Santiago and San Juan and private in-room couples massage. Rates from $569 (888-479-6026). 
London
Miss skirt-so-short-it-miffs-the-Queen-sporting Kate Middleton spent her last night as an unmarried lassie bacheloretting at none other than The Goring. Good choice, Duchess! Follow in her royal romp with the luxe hotel’s Ultimate Romantic Getaway package, including champagne and Hans Slaone chocolate greeting you in your suite, a full English or Continental breakfast in The Dining Room (or bed, better yet), rose petal turn down and late departures so you can fit in one last romp. From $525.
Peru
Join the two-mile high club at the JW Marriott Cusco, some 11,500 feet up in the Andes near Machu Picchu. Their Romance Package includes daily breakfast for two at Pirqa Restaurant, a bottle of bub upon arrival and a $30 spa credit. From $319; use promo code ROM.
Chicago
Let’s get crazy and take things up a five-fig notch. The Oak Brook Hill Resort, 18 miles away from Cubslandia, has a Brilliance and Bubbles Valentine’s Package: $15,000 in diamonds from Tiffany, two/three nights in a deluxe suite, a massage for two in said suite, “Forget Me Not” bubble bath from Neiman Marcus, breakfast in bed, dinner for two specially hashslung by Chef Carol Buckantz and a bottle of Dom Perignon. Price starts at $17,900, use promo code BUBBLES by Feb. 12 (630-850-5555).
Atlantic City
If you can forgo the BYOB strip clubs in AC for just one night — or at least just be really sly about it — and you’ll be happily rewarded by your other half. The Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa is offering a “For Lovers Only” package including a $50 in-room dining credit, two tickets to Maxwell (he of “Fortunate” and “Pretty Wings” fame, case you forgot) and an overnight stay in a Classic Room (or, opt for a Club Room at the Water Club, next door). It’s $499 at the Borgata, $529 at TWC.
Caribbean & Mexico
Hey Cupid, wake up you lazy bat fastard. I know you’re on island time, but come on: we need you! The “Cupid on Call” program offered by the Aruba Marriott Resort and Stellaris Casino, St. Kitts Marriott Resort & The Royal Beach Casino, CasaMagna Marriott Cancun Resort and the JW Marriott Cancun Resort & Spa, is an on-demand love service, offering up things like: fresh flowers delivered to your room, dinner on the beach, chocolate/champagne, couple’s spa this-and-that, romantic recommendations and tips on where to catch the best sunset. Hit up each resort for more program info and prices.
South Beach
SoFi, so good — Mariott Stanton South Beach is looking so fresh and so clean after a $10 milly recent head-to-toe nip/tuck. Sexier still is its Couple’s Getaway package including a South Beach coastline view, breakfast for dos at Deco Blue (or room service, you crazy kids) and champagne and strawberries upon arrival. From $360, valid through March 31 using promo code ROM (800-228-9290).
San Diego
She’s got beauty and brains, does she? Lay nude her noodle at San Diego’s bungalow-styled Paradise Point Resort & Spa on lagoon Mission Bay, who’s offering a “Love and Learn” package through February: “Chemistry in the Kitchen” couple’s cooking classes (Chef James Ausem is your prof; he might give you detention for not drinking in class), a two-hour sailing lesson on Mission Bay and an “Island Origins” two-hour couples’ spa experience (like playing doctor, but with herbs). The starting rate for Love & Learn with all three activities is $1,015 for Valentine’s Day weekend spent sleeping in a bungalow.
St. Barts
You might be better off coming to Le Toiny sans your sig-o, given the ultra-hotness of the French co-eds the all-villa resort likes to staff, but no matter who winds up sharing a cot with you, book the six-night Romance Package: one-bedroom villa digs, 60-minute couple’s massage gourmet picnic (with wine, bien sûr), flowers and champagne at arrival, use of a Mini-Cooper rental and a three-course candlelit dinner at Le Gaiac. You have to wait a few weeks beyond the actual V-Day, but it’s worth it — from $15,451, March 1-31).
South Beach
The scorned, the bitter, the lonely, the losers, the unrequited horndogs – they all have safe haven come Feb. 14 at the Sagamore, the Art Hotel, whose Stupid Cupid anti-Valentine’s Day package includes thorny red roses, a bottle of vodka, free beach chairs/umbrella to go mack on the beach hotties, a waived resort fee, free WiFi and a three-month subscription to a “renowned dating site” if Tinder/Craiglist/Backpage ain’t cutting it. $459/night based on a two-night stay, valid through the end of the month.
Thailand
Nothing says legal, above-board, totally legit love like Thailand. At the Six Senses Yao Noi, in plucky Phuket’s Phang Nga Bay, they’re offering a V-Day package worth its priceyness: chopper transpo to the resort, a private four-course meal on a yacht, a tour of Phuket’s ancient limestone karsts, breakfast in the gardens, Ritual Spa Journey in-room massages and sleepy time in their honeymoon villa and the yacht’s master bedroom — from $6,018/pp.
Stowe, Vt.
Here’s a V-Day package directly aimed at that doggy-stylin’ Budweiser horse from the Super Bowl ad: Topnotch Resort’s Canine Be Mine package will give you and your totally-not-weird dog date a pooch-friendly room, breakfast for both and a map of Topnotch Resort’s best dog-friendly hiking, walking, stick-throwing and R&R spots in Stowe. From $225 midweek.
35,000 feet up
If you wanna pop the question while 100 percent guaranteeing she’ll say yes, do it from a private jet – the added fear the captain will jettison her right out of the cargo door goes a long way. JetSuite will offer you your own personal wings, while flying you and yours to places like the Bahamas, Anguilla and Turks & Caicos. Over Valentine’s Day, they’ll also throw in an engagement concierge, ground transfers and SuiteDeals as low as $536/pp/one-way (866.779.7770).