Entertainment

WE LOVE MARY BUT…

GOOD news, everyone. We’ve figured out why your eardrums have been bleeding this summer.

The blame falls squarely with resident ballroom spaz Mary Murphy, a permanent judge on “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX, Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. and Thursday at 9:00 p.m.).

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Before howling dogs start wandering into the “Dance” studio audience, it’s time to put a stop to the madness that is Murphy’s shrieking over performances she enjoys.

Whether she’s on a prolonged screaming spree after a dance she particularly enjoyed or she’s throwing contestants on her tired “Hot Tamale Train” (with seats reserved for especially spicy dancers), Murphy’s loopy, skyrocketing-decibel schtick is officially beyond painful after five seasons.

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Perhaps she simply loves the sound of her own voice, but Murphy has been maniacally hooting and hollering more than usual this season.

Tired of the aural assault, fellow judge and “Dance” producer Nigel Lythgoe invested in large headphones for his own ear protection this season when Murphy gets riled up, as she inevitably does several times per episode.

Seats on her “Hot Tamale Train” used to be reserved for a few especially amazing performances of Latin routines, but this season Murphy doles them out at least once a week. Last week she even bestowed this, her highest honor, on a couple doing a Viennese waltz.

Tamales? In Vienna?

Murphy certainly has the knowledge and the experience to be a sharp judge on the show, particularly of the ballroom-style dances, which are her forte.

But for every thoughtful comment about the flow and quality of a dancer’s movement, Murphy gives us one like: “Achoo! I’m allergic to down feathers, what can I say. But I wasn’t allergic to that routine!”

If this were Murphy’s only flaw, we could chalk it up to “hearty enthusiasm” and call it a day. Alas, it is not so.

She also has a nasty penchant for reaffirming her own statements, as in, “What you are selling there, I am buying, yes I am!”

And when she isn’t struggling to move her Botox-tempered eyebrows, she may very well turn on the waterworks and sob over a dance that touched her.

During auditions, she bawled over contemporary dancer Brandon Bryant’s performance, saying, “If you don’t make it to the Top 20, I think I’ll just die this year.” (Sniff, sob.)

Bryant made it. Our ears are not so lucky.

It’s too bad that her cringe-worthy antics cause many to hit the mute button whenever it’s her turn to critique a dance.

If partial deafness is a prerequisite for a ticket on the Hot Tamale Train, don’t be surprised if you find a lot of stowaways in the hobo car.