STICK a fork in Nia Var dalos. I’ve been to fu nerals that were a lot more fun than “I Hate Valentine’s Day,” her second alleged romantic comedy in less than a month.
At least the star of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” shared some of the blame for her most recent dreadful comeback try, “My Life in Ruins,” with the writer and director.
This time, as writer-director-star of “Valentine’s Day,” Vardalos gives new meaning to the term triple threat.
Even bringing back leading man John Corbett from “MBFGW” doesn’t help this outing. You’ve heard of direct-to-video-grade movies? This one should have gone straight to the shredder.
Corbett listlessly plays the owner of a new tapas bar who woos Vardalos’ obnoxious, charm-free character.
Her character, who is apparently not of Greek descent, runs a florist shop in a generic urban neighborhood (the film was poorly photographed in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn).
Because her father cheated on her mother, Vardalos has a strict five-date rule for boyfriends.
Corbett tests her resolve in various ways, exactly none of them the slightest bit funny or romantic, not to mention plausible.
Covering a year in 98 minutes, “I Hate Valentine’s Day” feels like it lasts several lifetimes.
What it lacks in laughs — there are none — it tries to make up for by ladling on stale clichés, such as Vardalos’ two stereotypically gay assistants and a desperate younger female friend who stalks guys.
The latter is gamely played by rising star Zoe Kazan, whose career will survive Vardalos’ inept scripting and direction.
As for Vardalos, with “I Hate Valentine’s Day” directly following “My Life in Ruins” and 2004’s “Connie and Carla,” it may be time for Hollywood to invoke the Three Strikes Law.
I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY
Zero stars
You’ll Hate This Movie. Running time: 98 minutes. Rated PG-13 (sexuality). At the Quad, 13th Street between Fifth and Sixth avenues; also on demand.