Did you hear the one about the three big-league baseball players — one from Florida, one from Puerto Rico, one from the Dominican Republic — who travel to Canada to see a shady doctor who specializes in human growth hormone?
The doctor says, “May I help you, gentlemen?”
“No, thanks, Doc,” say the ballplayers, “we’re just looking around!”
Good one, huh?
And yet, in interview after interview, Bud Selig would still have you believe that baseball’s Drug Era is long gone — all thanks to him! He’d have you believe that the moment he smelled smoke, he raced into the burning building and saved baseball! Our hero!
Then again, what else can Selig say? That his willful, money-minded neglect on behalf of the team provided aid, comfort, profit and longevity to baseball’s Drug Era (which still hasn’t ended)? He’s not going to declare, “I came, I saw, I ignored!”
So as multiple players are interrogated by the feds about reputed HGH Canadian doc Anthony Galea, he ridicules our intellects by portraying himself as Charlie Chan, Eliot Ness and McGruff The Crime Dog, when Barney Fife would’ve cracked this case before Selig was first moved to ask where all those muscles and home runs came from.
And yet, Selig remains exactly the man team owners have in mind when they think, “Commissioner of Baseball.” They renew him at multi-million dollar raises!
And the MLBPA has never seemed particularly unhappy with Selig, even if they’re supposed to be natural adversaries. And oddly, Selig seems to retain more respect-filled, cotton ball-tossing chums in the media than those willing to add two plus two and conclude the inescapable: As a look-the-other-way, count-the-money commissioner, Selig has been the greatest contributor to and reason for baseball’s crooked Drug Era — and it ain’t over ’til it’s over.
Tainted title?
From reader Alan Hirschberg prior to last night’s game: “The question is not whether Kentucky will win the NCAA Tournament, but how long after they win it will they have to take down the banner?”
➤ Golf Channel’s Kelly Tilghman did a pretty good job interviewing Tiger Woods on Sunday. Ah, but if only sports and news audiences were told the things they should be told, but are never told. For example, Woods and Tilghman have the same rep firm, IMG. And Tilghman is one of the narrators in Woods’ video game, a huge seller. Stuff like that.
➤ Vin Scully, 82, after falling and cutting his head and bruising an arm last week, was asked on his return to the Dodgers’ booth, if he has any medical restrictions. “I’m supposed to cut back on dangling participles. And I’m not allowed to split an infinitive for at least another week.”
Devils duo plays well together
There is a sweet, comical quality to the Devils’ TV team of Doc Emrick and Chico Resch that’s reminiscent of some great TV/radio duos, including “Bob and Ray” (Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding), Harry Kalas and Richie Ashburn, and even George Burns and Gracie Allen.
During Tuesday’s Blue Jackets-Devils game on MSG+, Resch noted, “Some great individual efforts, Doc, and in traffic. That’s always exciting. If they work, they bring you to the edge of your seat. If it’s turned over, a good chance is going to occur the other way.”
“And,” Emrick added, “the seat you have may be on the bench.”
Moments later, a fight broke out between Jersey’s Pierre-Luc Letorneau-Leblond and Columbus’s Jared Boll (no fair, nine letters against 25!). Resch: “Both guys have been down this avenue — I mean, dark alley — before.”
When the fight ended to cheers, Resch said, “The fans are hating it again, Doc. They just hate that fighting!”
Later, from Resch: “The city of Columbus was named after Christopher Columbus, Doc. What was his ship doing in the middle of Ohio?”
A rare win for ESPN …
Long a producer of bad baseball telecasts, ESPN on Wednesday, assigned Bobby Valentine to Phils-Braves, which was played in Florida, as we were ceaselessly shown and told, in a Disney/ESPN complex. And, as if by accident, ESPN made a good call. Valentine was like “Dora the Explorer” —fun and educational.
Valentine was discussing what he regards as baseball myths when he began to shout as if he mistook a cattle prod for his electric shaver. “And the other thing I wanna say is that there’s no such thing as a level swing! I keep hearing, ‘level swing’!”
He calmed. “How would you have a level swing at a low ball? Let’s think about that for a second. Get on your knees?”
Later, in a dugout-to-booth chat with Braves’ starter Tim Hudson, done after six scoreless innings, Hudson volunteered to Valentine and John Kruk, “You don’t want to show them too much [in a spring training game], but at the same time, you don’t wanna back up third all game.”
If only the talk on ESPN’s regular-season telecasts was half as good.
… but Ls mount
Is there no one in charge at ESPN who can stand and holler, “Cut it out, we’re making total jerks of ourselves!”?
This week, ESPN’s Web site carried a “story” — an ABC/ESPN promo — about Erin Andrews on ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars.” A quote from Andrews was followed with, “Andrews quipped in an exclusive interview with ESPN.com.”
Only ESPN would give itself conspicuous credit for landing an exclusive interview with an ESPN sideline reporter.