My wife — whom I’ve known and been with since college, and is also the mother of my three children, recently told me she’s no longer in love with me. I moved out and am now I’m stuck with the impossible task of also trying to move on. Any suggestions? I haven’t been with another woman in over 15 years.
— I.R., Philadelphia
The two most difficult things for you are going to be actually being with someone different for the first time in 15 years, and getting over the idea that you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life. The thought of being alone is incredibly scary —
especially when you’ve been attached for most of your adult life. But you will find someone. It’ll be hard in the beginning, but you will.
Basically, you have to learn to be a single guy again. You need to establish friendships and connect with single guys whom you can go out with. Watch what they do when it comes to meeting new girls. Then, when you feel comfortable and confident, start approaching girls who interest you. It’ll be hard at first. But if you’re prepared for the inevitable obstacles, you’ll be fine.
The easiest way to defuse the awkwardness is to come straight out early on and say that dating again is new to you. You don’t have to go into the details as to why, just be positive, energetic and funny (if you can!). Don’t be a downer (even though you may be a little blue because of your situation). Nobody likes a sad sack.
Soon enough you’ll start enjoying the thrill of it all. Especially when you find someone you really like. Just be patient, get out there and have fun!
What’s the protocol for getting (and giving) someone your information these days? Do people still exchange business cards? Also, if you both swap cards, who’s supposed to get in touch first?
— Brooke, 38
I totally don’t subscribe to the who-calls-who-first philosophy. I think it’s stupid. If you like the person, then call. If I were put in a situation where a guy asked me for my number, I would give it to him and let the ball be in his court. You can tell how interested he is by the amount of time it takes him to actually call you. When he does call to ask you out, don’t play games. If you’re available, then go out with him. If you’re not, let him know when you are. And if he doesn’t call you at all — don’t stress. Obviously he’s not the guy for you.
As far as exchanging business cards, it depends how much you’re into the guy. Giving someone your business card is actually a pretty personal thing since it gives the other person access to your job, and therefore access to your world in general. I think guys should give business cards because it proves their credibility, while girls should only give their phone numbers because you never know — the guy could turn out to be a total creepster.
My girlfriend and I briefly broke up, during which I got a tattoo. We’re now back together, and she wants me to have it removed. Doesn’t this seem a bit extreme?
— J., Williamsburg
Personally, I do think it’s a bit extreme, especially since you just got back together. I mean, if you were together again for a while and getting married, or were married to begin with and went through a separation, then I could sort of understand. But you guys aren’t at that place.
Ask yourself this: Do you like the tattoo? Does it make you happy? If the answer is yes, then keep it. But also consider this: Do you like her? Does she make you happy? Both are easily “removable,” so you do have the option to choose one over the other. But I still think that, at this stage, you call the shots. When, and if, you two get married, and she’s still bothered by it, maybe revisit the removal idea. But I think truly loving you is loving all of you.
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