Lifestyle

60 Seconds with Pamela Meyer

How do you define lying?

I don’t include white lies. What I’m concerned with are the high-stakes lies, lies that are intended to either hurt another person or bolster one’s own image at the expense of others.

Do men and women lie about different things?

Yes. Men lie about themselves eight times more than they lie about other people. Women will lie to protect another person, whereas men will lie about their status, their power, etc.

How often does lying occur?

There’s a deception epidemic in our society. A good way to think about it is you’re lied to about as often as you snack during the day.

What are some of the big cues that someone’s lying?

On the nonverbal side, when someone is being deceptive, the cognitive load on their system is quite significant. They’re trying to act normal. So often liars will freeze their upper body, or rub their eyes. They might curl their feet inward. They fiddle with objects on the desk. They may speak with a higher-pitched voice, or soften it.

On the verbal side, [liars] will say, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” As opposed to “I didn’t.” They’ll use distancing language such as “that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” And they’ll be very, very specific. They’ll also possibly repeat a question to stall for time. “What time did I lock the safe and leave the office on Monday?” And they’ll issue either religious statements or bolstering statements: “As far as I can recall,” “I swear on the Bible,” “Let me think.”

When you’ve caught someone in a lie, how should you handle the confrontation?

I never recommend that you have a direct confrontation. Your goal is not to be right. Your goal is to get to the truth. The truth is what’s important, not who’s lying.