The suddenly unbeatable Nets and Heat will don special-edition “nickname” jerseys for Friday night’s game at Barclays Center.
Surprise, surprise, they are already available for purchase in the teams’ online stores. Not every Net’s customized uniform appears there, so the suspense over Alan Anderson’s selection goes on.
The choices that have been revealed range from ho-hum to creative to downright cinematic. Here’s our ranking, from worst to first:
T-23. James Johnson, Heat: “JJ”
T-23. Joe Johnson, Nets: “JJ”
First rule: Consult your colleagues before you wear the same thing to work.
22. Chris Bosh, Heat: “CB”
Because his initials. Get it?
21. Greg Oden, Heat: “G.O.”
No wisecrack here. The guy’s been through a lot.
20. Udonis Haslem, Heat: “UD”
Guess “UH” would look pretty dopey.
19. Dwyane Wade, Heat: “D. Wade”
We move into the first initial/last name portion of our program.
18. Deron Williams, Nets: “D-Will”
The hyphen gets the slight edge over the dot.
17. Roger Mason Jr., Heat: “Moneymase”
Mason has made approximately $15 million over the course of his NBA career. Mason is averaging 3.7 points per game.
16. Brook Lopez, Nets: “Brooklyn”
This one’s kind of a mind-bender. His name is Brook. But it already says Brooklyn on the front of the jersey, so … huh. Lopez, sidelined for the season with a broken foot, won’t be in uniform for the game.
15. Rashard Lewis, Heat: “Sweet Lew”
He’s trying.
14. Norris Cole, Heat: “Cole Train”
Kinda industrial, kinda jazzy.
13. Michael Beasley, Heat: “B Easy”
More advanced name-pun work here. Except Beasley’s been known for taking it a little too easy.
12. Jason Terry, Nets: “Jet”
Bonus points for using an established nickname with accompanying wings gesture.
11. Mario Chalmers, Heat: “Rio”
He probably will be blamed for messing up the whole nickname project, and LeBron will yell at him.
10. Shane Battier, Heat: “Battle”
Gets a pass, because Battier apparently was prevented from using “Batman” due to trademark issues.
9. Reggie Evans, Nets: “Joker”
But Batman’s not OK?
8. Kevin Garnett, Nets: “The Big Ticket”
A classic NBA nickname. Even if no one ever calls him that.
7. Miles Plumlee, Nets: “Plums”
There’s just something really sweet and disarming about this one.
6. LeBron James, Heat: “King James”
What are you going to say, that it’s unoriginal and self-aggrandizing? He’s the best basketball player in the world.
5. Joel Anthony, Heat: “Doc”
Just “Doc.” Almost brilliant in its simplicity.
4. Chris Andersen, Heat: “Birdman”
One of the league’s most colorful characters employs a Bono-like moniker.
3. Paul Pierce, Nets: “Truth”
This feels like an appropriate time to recall the unsurpassed pioneer of the nickname jersey: “He Hate Me.”
2. Andrei Kirilenko, Nets: “Кириленко”
The native Russian is spelling out his name in Cyrillic. Pretty cool.
1. Ray Allen, Heat: “J. Shuttlesworth”
Hands-down winner with the nod to Jesus Shuttlesworth, the name of the character played by Allen in the hoops-heavy Spike Lee joint “He Got Game.” Shuttlesworth was a Brooklyn kid, no less, a Lincoln High School phenom whose college recruitment is complicated by the appearance of his jailed father. Allen says he and Lee have discussed making a sequel. We can only hope.