‘SEX after two dates?” The author of the Internet sensation “Getting Laid in NYC” scoffs at the prospect. “That would be standard for New York. No. Sex right away.”
Meet the wonder of game that is Paul Janka.
The 32-year-old Harvard graduate (in physics!) is riding a wave of fame thanks to recent press in Psychology Today and appearances on national television (“after the ‘Today’ show, my Facebook blew up”). He can “partially close” in 45 minutes. (“I’ve had some amazing 1-2-3’s, and I’m sure some guy will come out of the woodwork and beat my best time.”)
He’s organized. (An Excel spreadsheet tracks his 120 conquests as of press time, although he did have a 4 p.m. scheduled yesterday.) His spreadsheet is a marvel of economy and precision: “Lisa, (NYC, Fourth of July), Jamie (real estate agent), Jackie (flight attendant), Jenny (orgy).” Ever the poet, he also marks a capital “X” if they, er, let him in the back door.
Wait, can we hold on for a second?
“Anya!” he yells, mid-interview into his cellphone. “Hey, what’s the story? Call me when you’re done and we’ll try to make it work.”
Oh Anya. Poor, sweet little Anya.
A sampling of Janka’s “Getting Laid” treatise: “She may look fit, sexy and sophisticated, but after you’ve banged her and she’s naked, with mascara running down her face and she’s trying to stuff her thighs into a pair of too small jeans at 2 a.m., you’ll realize she’s just another person trying to get by.”
It’s like “How To Win Friends and Influence People” . . . with just a splash of date rape.
So how does he manage all of his, um, dates? (“I think that women are great,” he says. “You can’t generalize. Some are bitches. Some are sweet. Some are gold diggers. You really can’t generalize.”)
Did we forget to tell you Janka doesn’t really “do” dinner? This is “an unacceptable risk to wallet and watch.”
“On a girl I haven’t worked on at all?” he contemplates. “She’d probably come here at 9:30, getting comfortable 9:30 to 10, talking 10 to 10:30, we’d be fooling around, having sex from 11 to 12:30, take a break, go get a tea 12:30 to 1, and then sex from 1 to 2, and then she’ll leave at 2. That would be a solid night.”
A few tips: Buy the lavender candles for 99 cents at Walgreens. Seriously, dude. He buys them in bulk. Oh – and check it out, chicks love cartoons in bed.
“I’ll put on ‘Looney Tunes,’ and it sounds kind of creepy, and it is creepy, but it’s funny, too, and the girls hear the music, doo-doo-doo-doo. And I say, ‘You have to come to my bed to watch it,’ and I say, ‘No street clothes in bed.’ ”
Wait, hold on a second. It’s Anya.
“Hey – so can we meet at 8:30, yeah, you know what, my night just opened up. What about after dinner – no, no, don’t skip dinner . . .”
Yeah, Anya, best to satiate that appetite.
Then tonight, do us all a favor.
Puke on his hard drive.
mstadtmiller@nypost.com
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