THE title of the excrucia tingly lame and laughless romantic comedy/ adven ture “Fool’s Gold” surely deserves some kind of an award for truth in advertising.
Too bad they couldn’t fit “50 Ways To Show Matthew Mc-
Conaughey Shirtless” on a theater marquee.
Mr. Perfect Abs shows off a lot more skin than co-star Kate Hudson, who looks very uncomfortable in her single bikini scene.
She seems unhappy in general again playing straight woman to Hollywood’s favorite male bimbo – their first pairing, 2003’s “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” while forgettable, was more tolerable.
This time around, she plays Tess, who has just divorced her irresponsible, dimwitted hubby Finn (McConaughey) when she learns he’s discovered the whereabouts of a treasure they’ve been seeking for a decade.
Actually, she and we learn at tedious length about the treasure, called the Queen’s Dowry, with several eyeball-glazing scenes devoted to repeating information imparted after the opening credits, presumably for the benefit of audience members who can’t read.
It’s all basically an excuse to show off the scenery, which includes not only Mr. McConaughey’s well-toned body but a younger actress (Alexis Dziena) whose role seems to exist only for her to loll around in a bikini in Hudson’s stead.
There’s also the Caribbean, adequately impersonated by Australia’s Gold Coast.
But the entire enterprise is sunk by a combination of listless direction by Andy Tennant (“Hitch”), who drags out perhaps 70 minutes’ worth of plot into a waterlogged mess than feels like three hours.
Not to mention the meandering script attributed to Tennant and two screenwriters for “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.”
The whole thing is symbolized by a ridiculous scene in which McConaughey – topless, of course – hops along the bottom of the ocean while carrying an anchor.
His Finn also gets hit over the head by various objects by Hudson’s Tess – when she isn’t praising his prowess in the bedroom in the most tedious of the flick’s many unfunny running gags.
These include a gangster (Kevin Hart) named, no kidding, Bigg Bunny, who is also after the treasure. Hart fares no better than usually reliable British actor Ray Winstone, sporting a dubious Southern accent as another treasure hunter.
Also enjoying an Australian vacation is Donald Sutherland, as a demi-
billionaire and Tess’ current employer, whose daughter, the principal bikini wearer, briefly flirts with Finn.
“Fool’s Gold” never flirts with reality as it slowly winds its way to a surprisingly bloody climax that’s as ludicrous as it is convoluted.
At least costume designer Ngila Dickson didn’t have to work too hard on McConaughey’s wardrobe.
FOOL’S GOLD
Topless jerk in mindless flick.
Running time: 112 minutes. Rated PG- 13 (action violence, sexual innuendo, brief nudity, profanity). At the Empire, the Cinema 1, the Chelsea, others.