NOT to second-guess our law-enforcement authorities but . . . is the Crystal Lake PD really doing such a good job? You’d have to go back to Phnom Penh in 1975 to find a place with a higher per-capita rate of unprosecuted homicides.
Twenty-nine sticky red years later, the 12th “Friday the 13th” reboots and rewrites the story of the second-vilest person to be associated with hockey (after Sean Avery). This time, five horny, pot-loving contemporary teens are on a camping trip near the Camp Crystal Lake site that, they tell each other, was the scene of some seriously messed-up stuff – back in 1980, the year the original movie came out.
Since the 1980 events were just a follow-up to the believed drowning of the boy Jason Voorhees in 1957, Jason is now on the AARP mailing list. It’s no mystery what keeps him young: a vigorous exercise regimen that includes archery, the 50-yard hatchet toss and fencing with a machete. Who says there are no movies about mature characters?
Eight more young partyers come into the picture, not campers but luxury vacationers staying in an expensive chalet. That puts the cast population at 13, including one black guy (I didn’t catch his character’s name but I think it was Comedy Relief Element No. 1) and one Asian (CRE No. 2).
The white people get abundant nooky. The black guy is reduced to seeking, shall we say, solo erotic inspiration in what looks like a Sears catalog. The Asian dude, we can safely assume, will take his virginity to the grave.
With so many cuts of meat awaiting butchering, there isn’t much time to establish everyone’s personal character and back story. A blond guy (Travis Van Winkle) manages to build a convincing case for himself as the tool (he’s always telling the others not to spill beer on his precious stained floors, yet goes along with the general desire to play beer pong), while another (Jared Padalecki) is driven by the conviction that he will someday find his missing sister (Amanda Righetti). The rest are just faces in the crowd.
Director Marcus Nispel makes no attempt to have the movie be about anything other than earsplitting noises and skullsplitting machetes. Many of the death scenes will have the young-male demo chortling with glee, but the gruesomeness will probably turn the stomachs of a lot of girls and young women.
“Friday the 13th” goes as deep into the R rating as Jason’s blades go into brains, torsos and throats. The effect is, however, completely forgettable except for one excellent line. Let me save you $12: A guy who is playing with a hockey stick in the toolshed asks Jason, “Are you looking for this? Because it, uh, completes your outfit.”
FRIDAY THE 13TH
Splatter, wince, repeat.
Running time: 97 minutes. Rated R (extreme graphic violence, sex, nudity, profanity, drug use). At the Kips Bay, the 34th Street, the Orpheum, others.