OH, the life of Chelsea Handler – picking fights with preteen girls, taking care of a drunk midget and, of course, smoking some high-grade Costa Rican weed with Dad. These are just some of the stories from Handler’s latest book, “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea,” a collection of everyday events in Handler’s life that would seem far from ordinary for anyone else. Born to a Jewish father and a Mormon mother, it’s pretty obvious that Handler was destined for a career in comedy from the start. Now she’s made a name for herself as a stand-up comedian, author and the host of “Chelsea Lately.” We chatted with the New Jersey native about family, females and (natch) the Hoff.
Your first book was all about one-night stands. Where did you get the inspiration for your new book?
I figured you can’t really write two books about one-night stands. It’s like beating a dead horse, or beating a dead one-night stand. I wanted to make it a compilation of all the funny things that happened during my childhood.
Your family shows up in a lot of your stories. How important were they in the making of the book?
They’re definitely the reason I have the personality I have and the perspective I have – but they really have nothing to do with motivating me to write a book. We’re pretty much the laziest family on the planet. We’re not like the Osmonds. We’re more Mormon.
Did you always want to be a comedian?
I came out to LA because I wanted to talk loudly and I wanted people to listen, but I didn’t really know what I wanted to say. I did want to act. But then I thought, “Do I want to play someone else?” I just wanted to be myself. I kind of fell into stand-up completely by accident.
How did that happen?
After about 18 margaritas one night at “The Improv” on Melrose. Stand-up is really where I started and what I love to do. As long as people are paying to see me perform, I’ll be doing it. Maybe if they don’t pay me, I’ll still do it. Maybe I’ll start paying them. It’s the best thing in the world because people are either laughing or they’re not. You know right away if it’s funny or not.
What do you do if they don’t laugh?
I cry and then I run off the stage. Isn’t that what all comedians do?
How is it different being a female comedian?
I think that my attitude is really representative of a lot of women. There’s the type of girl who acts like she never does anything, and then you find out that she’s had sex with the entire baseball team. I don’t take myself too seriously and I never will. I think women can relate to that – being honest. Nobody can ever say to me, “I didn’t know about your past.” I have a book about one-night stands! Everyone knows everything about my past.
You tell some pretty outrageous stories in your book. Are they all true?
I changed names and places, obviously, because you have to protect yourself from getting sued . . . by your own family members. But yes, they’re all true stories.
Even the prison story? [The third chapter of Handler’s book tells the story of her unfortunate night in a women’s prison, which ended with a goodbye kiss from a fellow inmate.
That’s true from beginning to end. Believe me, that was a night I’ll never forget and, unfortunately, nobody else will either after reading the book.
You have to ask yourself how you keep ending up in these situations, right?
Because I’m an a – – hole. I am a capital-A a – – hole and I’ll be the first to tell you. I really don’t know what my problem is, but now that I’m 33 I’ve learned to accept it. My boyfriend says all the time, “For someone who is really intelligent, you’re really, really stupid.”
“Chelsea Lately” was recently renewed for 150 more episodes. What’s it been like hosting your own late-night show?
It wasn’t something I wanted to do initially. I just wasn’t that eager to do a show five days a week – it’s a lot of work – and then they said, “We want you to talk about everything that E! talks about.” I couldn’t do that seriously. Unless I could make fun of everything that E! stands for, then I wouldn’t want to do it. There was no show on TV that really takes the piss out of all these people and talks about how stupid Paris Hilton is. We’re all so obsessed with celebrity. We at least need to laugh at the fact we care too much.
If you could have anybody on the show, who would it be?
David Hasselhoff. I’d love to have him on the show because he probably wouldn’t have any idea that I was making fun of him. Then he could sing me to sleep during the interview . . . in German.
“Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” hits stores on April 22. Catch her at Carolines on Broadway on April 21 and 22.