Entertainment

MUMMY ACHE

WHICH is the most shocking transformation in “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”? Is it when a dead warrior transforms himself into a three-headed dragon? How about when skeletons arise out of their tomb in the Great Wall of China to turn into columns of soldiers from the Ray Harryhausen brigade? Or is it the way Rachel Weisz has turned into Maria Bello?

PHOTO GALLERY: The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

This Mummy is an ancient emperor (Jet Li) whose rampage ended when he was turned to stone by the curse of a benevolent witch (Michelle Yeoh). Looking for his remains in 1946 China is Alex (Luke Ford), the archaeologist son of Rick O’Connell (Brendan Fraser). By coincidence, the senior O’Connell is tricked into going to China on a diplomatic mission to return a giant diamond.

Rick’s wife, Evelyn, is now played by Bello, although under new hair and makeup she manages to look neither like Weisz nor herself. I call foul for illegal substitution; this kind of thing smelled bad when TV’s “Bewitched” tried it, and now that it’s been rotting for 40 years it hasn’t gotten any fresher. Why not just say that the Weisz character died in the 13 years since the last episode and give Rick a new girl? The Evelyn character isn’t the same anyway; no longer a feminine scholarly type, she’s now so fired-up and combat-ready that she’s more like Steven Seagal in pumps.

Rick and Evelyn join their son, the immortal witch, Evelyn’s sidekick brother (John Hannah) and his son’s girl (Isabella Leong), who is also the witch’s daughter and is also immortal.

After the emperor busts out of his stony shell, the gang must stop him first from climbing up a mountain to find the way to Shangri-La. Then they must prevent him from making himself immortal by taking a dip in Shangri-La’s pool, which is apparently even more exclusive than the one on top of Soho House.

Each nonsensical scene exists only to unleash the hordes of digital-effects artists. So bring on the undead armies of terra cotta warriors, fireworks whizzing around a car chase in Shanghai and mighty yetis that come roaring in out of nowhere. The stunts and CGI keep the action visually dazzling, but that’s about all there is. The O’Connell clan is the only one around lacking supernatural powers, which means they are about as relevant to the action as Mike and the Mad Dog’s callers are to how the Yankees are doing.

“I hate mummies!” the Hannah character declares. “They never fight fair!” But the emperor takes it so easy on the mortals that it’s like he’s pitching batting practice to the Pee-Wee League. We know he can hurl fireballs like bullets, for instance, but instead he lobs them gently behind Rick’s back as he sprints away. When he makes dagger-sharp icicles pop out of the ice beneath his enemies’ feet, he doesn’t do it where they’re actually standing, but off to the side, so they can flee as the ice behind them erupts with icicles. Why not make the icicles pop up in front of the O’Connells, then chuckle softly as they impale themselves? The emperor can only be killed by a magic dagger planted in the heart, but instead of hurling it into the deepest chasm, he carries it jauntily on his belt so anyone can yank it out and stab him.

The dialogue consists, entirely, of either dim attempts at humor (“The yak yakked,” “There’s something incredibly romantic about vanquishing the undead”) and useless blabbing like, “I’m sorry I blamed you guys for raising the emperor,” and Hannah’s shouting, “Avalanche!” At least I think that’s what he said; I could barely hear him above the sound of the avalanche.

What’s with outsourcing the Mummy franchise to China in the first place? Do the undead work for lower wages there? When I go to a Mummy movie, I don’t want ninjas and yetis and men turned to stone. I want embalmed corpses and hieroglyphics. I want pharaoh. I want pyramids and sphinxes and Ace bandages. Did “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” take place on the Nile?

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

Bury it for 2,000 years.

Running time: 114 minutes. Rated PG-13 (action violence, profanity). At the E-Walk, the Lincoln Square, the Orpheum, others.

kyle.smith@nypost.com