ARE you a bitchy-witchy Blair or a sexy, stylish Serena? An evil, foppish Chuck or a studly, sporty Nate?
OMFG – you so totally wish.
Sadly, we can’t all be rich, gorgeous and scandal-plagued like the characters of CW’s “Gossip Girl.” But a bevy of young Hollywood stars, socialites and tabloid darlings can!
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This is why The Post set out to uncover just who the real-life equivalents of those lovable, oversexed, hard-drinking kids really are. Sure, you could simply buy Season One (finally released on DVD!) to get you up to speed for Monday’s premiere. But this is bigger than that.
This is bigger than all of us.
Here’s what we did.
Step One: We looked at all the pretty semi-famous people.
In New York, the guilty
party-picture pleasures offered at parkavepeerage.com chronicle the “sightings” of Tinsley Mortimer and Lydia Hearst, Olivia Palermo and Byrdie Bell.
It may be the closest thing to a real-life “Gossip Girl” Web site in existence – except way, way nicer.
“There’s New York Social Diary and Fame Game, but they often chronicle people who are older,” concedes James Kurisunkal, the 19-year-old Midwesterner behind the site. “But yes, we have the Serena van der Woodsens, the people who have chosen to live their lives in front of the camera and at the mercy of writers and bloggers.”
Step Two: We asked the woman who created the series.
Explains Cecily von Ziegesar, the author of the book series that inspired the show, “When I was writing, blogging didn’t even really happen yet. The word blog wasn’t even a household term.”
While von Ziegesar did find herself steeped in The Post’s gossip pages for research, it wasn’t to borrow specific Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis fodder, per se.
“Really, this is more flattering to Page Six than anything else,” she says, “but I found myself much more modeling the way the Gossip Girl column was written than anything. I don’t want the characters to be stereotypes: the rich bitch and the queen bee. I actually hate that term because I don’t think there ever is one queen bee.”
Boo! No fun! We’re not listening!
Step Three: We asked the crazed, YouTube parody-producing superfans.
Finally, jackpot.
Comedian and SIRIUS Cosmo Radio host Sara Benincasa, who even organized the first-ever “Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit” and who plans to hold a second in October, does regular parodies of the show and was thrilled that her convention sold out quicker than you can say “You know you love me! XOXO!”
“It’s a little creepy,” confesses Benincasa.
“It was like a “Star Wars” convention except for hot people.”
And who does she see as the real-life counterparts to the dastardly characters on the show?
“Oh, easy,” she says. “Mary-Kate is like Serena in that she’s a rich hot mess, and Ashley is an ice queen. Jenny is like the Miley Cyrus because they’re both deceptively virginal creatures struggling to contain their inner whore.”
See, now this is what we’re talking about!
So without further ado, here it is, your handy-dandy, fan-inspired clip ‘n’ save guide to the Real Life Gossip Girls and Boys (and check out the video at nypost.com).
Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen)
Who she is: Strivey McStrivesalot. Like: Olivia Palermo
Also she’s: Kind of a chorus girl. Like: Byrdie Bell
Also she’s: A lying, grubby little thief. Like: Lindsay Lohan in mink-coat-gate
Also she’s: A follower. Like: Lauren “Lo” Bosworth
Also she’s: The young potential heir to the queen-bee throne Like: Selena Gomez
Winner: I don’t know, nothing beats the whole Selena-Miley thing. Seriously, go to YouTube.
Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford)
Who he is: Uber-pretty boy
Like: Zac Efron
Also he’s: Kind of a himbo
Like: Brody Jenner
Also he’s: Secretly in love with someone else
Like: Tom Cruise
Also he’s: Making the hot young thing circuit
Like: The Jonas Brothers
Also he’s: Tom Brady-esque
Like: “All I do is stare at them and they make me happy,” says comedian Sara Benincasa.
Winner: “High School Musical” boy Efron
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester)
Who she is: Total, huge, raging evil awesome bitch. Like: Lauren “LC” Conrad
Also she’s: Had much ado about her virginity. Like: Young Britney Spears
Also she’s: Got puppy-dog adoring followers. Like: Miley Cyrus
Also she’s: Known for her ridiculous sense of style. Like: Fabiola Beracasa
Also she’s: Queen of all society. Like: Tinsley Mortimer
Winner: Oh Tins, honey, are you kidding? She has a cameo playing herself on the show!
Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley)
Who he is: Sensitive artsy boy
Like: John Mayer
Also he’s: Slightly edgy
Like: Shia LaBeouf
Also he’s: Annoying
Like: Justin Bobby
Also he’s: A little too into how clever he is
Like: Jared Leto
Also he’s: Trying to date up
Like: Raffaello Follieri
Winner: Hello, Raffaello! Anne Hathaway called, she wants her life story back!
Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick)
Who he is: The devil Like: Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis
Also he’s: Flamboyant with his wealth. Like: A Rockephony Crockefeller!
Also he’s: Raised in total extravagance Like: Fabian Basabe, Paris Latsis, Stavros Niarchos
Also he’s: Tried to bang everything Like: Wilmer Valderrama
Also he’s: Kind of amazing
Like: “Jesus,” says comedian Sara Benincasa
Winner: We’re going to go with Greasy Bear on this one.
Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively)
Who she is: The pretty blonde who has dated everyone
Like: Paris Hilton
Also she’s: Kind of a new face on the scene after having been “away”
Like: Lindsay Lohan
Also she’s: The prettiest golden girl and the most natural-looking Like: Vanessa Hudgens
Also she’s: Had unfortunate involvement in a much-talked-about OD death
Like: Mary-Kate Olsen
Also she’s: Got delicate locks of angelic perfection, seeming innocence
Like: Amanda Hearst
Winner: Nothing beats a scandal! Mary-Kate, hands down.