Entertainment

‘GOSSIP’ 411

ARE you a bitchy-witchy Blair or a sexy, stylish Serena? An evil, foppish Chuck or a studly, sporty Nate?

OMFG – you so totally wish.

Sadly, we can’t all be rich, gorgeous and scandal-plagued like the characters of CW’s “Gossip Girl.” But a bevy of young Hollywood stars, socialites and tabloid darlings can!

PHOTOS: Real Life ‘Gossip’ Girls

PHOTOS: Real Life ‘Gossip’ Boys

READ: ‘Gossip Girl’ Heads to the Hamptons

VIDEO: ‘Gossip Girl’ Season 2 Sneak Peak!

This is why The Post set out to uncover just who the real-life equivalents of those lovable, oversexed, hard-drinking kids really are. Sure, you could simply buy Season One (finally released on DVD!) to get you up to speed for Monday’s premiere. But this is bigger than that.

This is bigger than all of us.

Here’s what we did.

Step One: We looked at all the pretty semi-famous people.

In New York, the guilty

party-picture pleasures offered at parkavepeerage.com chronicle the “sightings” of Tinsley Mortimer and Lydia Hearst, Olivia Palermo and Byrdie Bell.

It may be the closest thing to a real-life “Gossip Girl” Web site in existence – except way, way nicer.

“There’s New York Social Diary and Fame Game, but they often chronicle people who are older,” concedes James Kurisunkal, the 19-year-old Midwesterner behind the site. “But yes, we have the Serena van der Woodsens, the people who have chosen to live their lives in front of the camera and at the mercy of writers and bloggers.”

Step Two: We asked the woman who created the series.

Explains Cecily von Ziegesar, the author of the book series that inspired the show, “When I was writing, blogging didn’t even really happen yet. The word blog wasn’t even a household term.”

While von Ziegesar did find herself steeped in The Post’s gossip pages for research, it wasn’t to borrow specific Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis fodder, per se.

“Really, this is more flattering to Page Six than anything else,” she says, “but I found myself much more modeling the way the Gossip Girl column was written than anything. I don’t want the characters to be stereotypes: the rich bitch and the queen bee. I actually hate that term because I don’t think there ever is one queen bee.”

Boo! No fun! We’re not listening!

Step Three: We asked the crazed, YouTube parody-producing superfans.

Finally, jackpot.

Comedian and SIRIUS Cosmo Radio host Sara Benincasa, who even organized the first-ever “Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit” and who plans to hold a second in October, does regular parodies of the show and was thrilled that her convention sold out quicker than you can say “You know you love me! XOXO!”

“It’s a little creepy,” confesses Benincasa.

“It was like a “Star Wars” convention except for hot people.”

And who does she see as the real-life counterparts to the dastardly characters on the show?

“Oh, easy,” she says. “Mary-Kate is like Serena in that she’s a rich hot mess, and Ashley is an ice queen. Jenny is like the Miley Cyrus because they’re both deceptively virginal creatures struggling to contain their inner whore.”

See, now this is what we’re talking about!

So without further ado, here it is, your handy-dandy, fan-inspired clip ‘n’ save guide to the Real Life Gossip Girls and Boys (and check out the video at nypost.com).

Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen)

Who she is: Strivey McStrivesalot. Like: Olivia Palermo

Also she’s: Kind of a chorus girl. Like: Byrdie Bell

Also she’s: A lying, grubby little thief. Like: Lindsay Lohan in mink-coat-gate

Also she’s: A follower. Like: Lauren “Lo” Bosworth

Also she’s: The young potential heir to the queen-bee throne Like: Selena Gomez

Winner: I don’t know, nothing beats the whole Selena-Miley thing. Seriously, go to YouTube.

Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford)

Who he is: Uber-pretty boy

Like: Zac Efron

Also he’s: Kind of a himbo

Like: Brody Jenner

Also he’s: Secretly in love with someone else

Like: Tom Cruise

Also he’s: Making the hot young thing circuit

Like: The Jonas Brothers

Also he’s: Tom Brady-esque

Like: “All I do is stare at them and they make me happy,” says comedian Sara Benincasa.

Winner: “High School Musical” boy Efron

Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester)

Who she is: Total, huge, raging evil awesome bitch. Like: Lauren “LC” Conrad

Also she’s: Had much ado about her virginity. Like: Young Britney Spears

Also she’s: Got puppy-dog adoring followers. Like: Miley Cyrus

Also she’s: Known for her ridiculous sense of style. Like: Fabiola Beracasa

Also she’s: Queen of all society. Like: Tinsley Mortimer

Winner: Oh Tins, honey, are you kidding? She has a cameo playing herself on the show!

Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley)

Who he is: Sensitive artsy boy

Like: John Mayer

Also he’s: Slightly edgy

Like: Shia LaBeouf

Also he’s: Annoying

Like: Justin Bobby

Also he’s: A little too into how clever he is

Like: Jared Leto

Also he’s: Trying to date up

Like: Raffaello Follieri

Winner: Hello, Raffaello! Anne Hathaway called, she wants her life story back!

Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick)

Who he is: The devil Like: Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis

Also he’s: Flamboyant with his wealth. Like: A Rockephony Crockefeller!

Also he’s: Raised in total extravagance Like: Fabian Basabe, Paris Latsis, Stavros Niarchos

Also he’s: Tried to bang everything Like: Wilmer Valderrama

Also he’s: Kind of amazing

Like: “Jesus,” says comedian Sara Benincasa

Winner: We’re going to go with Greasy Bear on this one.

Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively)

Who she is: The pretty blonde who has dated everyone

Like: Paris Hilton

Also she’s: Kind of a new face on the scene after having been “away”

Like: Lindsay Lohan

Also she’s: The prettiest golden girl and the most natural-looking Like: Vanessa Hudgens

Also she’s: Had unfortunate involvement in a much-talked-about OD death

Like: Mary-Kate Olsen

Also she’s: Got delicate locks of angelic perfection, seeming innocence

Like: Amanda Hearst

Winner: Nothing beats a scandal! Mary-Kate, hands down.