BLOWING some of the fam ily stash on a project of al most surreal vanity, Roy Disney and his uncle’s company bring us a docu mentary about his pet sport, sailing across the Pacific. “Morning Light” belongs, if anywhere, on channel 145 of your cable system.
Roy, long known within Disney as “the idiot nephew,” sponsored a crew of 15 immensely spoiled collegians to be filmed sailing his 52-foot sloop from California to Hawaii for a “Roy E. Disney Production” that was, moreover, “Conceived and Produced by Roy E. Disney.”
Cue the training sequence!
The aristo-brats are required to jump into a swimming pool and tread water for five minutes with their shoes on. Horrible! Still, one of them nearly drowns, proving that he shouldn’t be allowed near a body of water larger than a bottle of Poland Spring.
“This has been extremely nerve-wracking for me,” says a teen who, while he worries about making the cut, gives every indication that his nerves have never even been given a noogie, much less wracked. “I think the best way to overcome fear is to face it head on,” says another youth. Astonishing: only 20 years old, and already a master of cliché.
Since you can’t see the other boats in the competition most of the time, every scene looks alike: the waves, the boat bobbing. So all we’ve got is the personality dynamics, but no one ever argues – even when the gang throws the lone black guy overboard to test their lifesaving skills.
The sailors seem to have had their senses of irony amputated around the time their trust funds kicked in. “Disappointment. Frustration. Loneliness,” says a girl (and perhaps amateur poet) who has just thrown away her chances because she broke her arm snowboarding. “It’s almost impossible to explain how unhappy I was,” says a benched sailor.
On the open seas, one kid says, “I started thinking, I’m already missing the small things – cheese pizza, HBO.” Another chimes in, “No family and friends from back home. No Starbucks. No movies. No music. No surfing.” Twelve days without HBO – has the UN Human Rights Commission been notified? The scene where food stores run low would be more convincing if it didn’t end with the skipper throwing his oatmeal (or whatever it is) overboard because it tastes icky.
I wasn’t just rooting against the Morning Light; I prayed for a U-boat ambush or a cannon attack from the broadside of the Black Pearl. Hey, daredevils, want to prove your worth in a non-useless adventure? The military is hiring.
MORNING LIGHT
Boat of fools.
Running time: 100 minutes. Rated PG (mild profanity). At the E-Walk, 42nd Street and Eighth Avenue.