‘JCVD” stands for Jean-Claude Van Damme, who plays a parody of himself in a curio that combines a sketch-comedy premise with pacing like a philosophy seminar.
Van Damme is a washed-up action man facing a bitter child-custody dispute and filming a B movie in which (in the film’s best and indeed only good scene) he does a lengthy single take that amounts to an encyclopedia of cinematic fight clichés and perfectly timed stunts.
At the post office, he gets held hostage by robbers who recognize him and want to have him demonstrate stunts and compare his oeuvre to Steven Seagal’s. Meanwhile, the cops outside the building – the movie is a sort of moules frites version of “Dog Day Afternoon” – think JCVD is behind the robbery.
Instead of being a spiffy spoof, the movie gives its star little to do. Van Damme spends the whole movie sitting around gabbing with the robbers. He is amusing enough that the film could conceivably be rewritten and remade, but as it is there are no more than half a dozen laughs in the whole movie.
Running time: 92 minutes. Rated R (profanity, violence). At the Empire and the Angelika.