Movies they’re not remaking: “Casablanca,” “Gone with the Wind,” “Lawrence of Arabia.” Take another crack at 1981’s “Clash of the Titans,” and what have you got to lose?
The biggest 3-D feature since last week, “Clash of the Titans” 2010, proves to be a roaring old-school action adventure for kids, with as many mythical beasts as a year at Hogwarts and a healthy dose of smiting without the crazed bloodlust of “300.” (The third dimension adds nothing, though. Save yourself five bucks and see it in 2-D.) Its fight scenes are more than competently staged and some of the dialogue is surprisingly crisp.
Still, it would be disappointing if the movie were entirely without splashes of excellent camp, and though director Louis Leterrier has toned down the ADD ways of his “Transporter” films, he obliges with some scenes that are so serious they’re quite funny.
Sam Worthington, last seen in “Avatar,” leads the way by veering off the path of witty self-awareness trod by Christian Bale and Robert Downey, Jr. No, his style is to set his jaw and march steely eyed into the silly, like Charlton Heston.
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He’s Perseus, the bastard son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), the sky god who, during one of many periodic clashes with mortals, strikes a blow for Team Olympus — by sneaking into bed with a human queen while disguised as her husband. Zeus must have been a top student at the Bill Clinton School of Warfare.
This act leaves the queen pregnant with a demigod. Her husband is miffed. In one of those loopholes big enough to drive a chariot through, he “executes” his wife and her son in a jealous rage via the spectacularly nonfoolproof method of placing mom and baby in a box and floating them out to sea.
The mother dies but the baby Perseus is rescued by a fisherman (Pete Postlethwaite) who, caught in the crossfire during a later war between men and gods, is killed at the hands of Zeus’ brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes), demon of the dank.
The grown Perseus lives for revenge against Hades, joining forces with the sons of Argos. With the aid of Io (Gemma Arterton), a sort of life coach and bottomless fount of exposition, Perseus and his crew go searching for the three witches who, cackling like hosts of “The View,” grudgingly supply the device the warriors need to kill the invincible Kraken, Hades’ pet sea monster. That device is Medusa: Cut off her snaky head, and you’ve got a weapon that’ll turn any living thing to stone.
As Zeus, Neeson sports a glowy suit of silver armor that makes him shimmer like a centerfold in a Whitesnake video. Every time Fiennes’ Hades comes whooshing into the scene, with a great burst of sooty black hell-dust and a dastard’s determination to infect Zeus with his fell scheming, I was reminded of both Pig Pen and Rahm Emanuel.
Although the movie is mistitled (the Titans are long gone before the story begins), I enjoyed the tough-guy talk (one mortal combatant says, “May our journey be long and filled with agony and torment, and may we all complain about it bitterly as old men” — now that’s genuine soldier’s irony, as is the line, “If you don’t mind dying, come along”) and the constant rotation of fresh monsters.
Drops of blood turn into excitingly rude giant scorpions and Medusa, who turns out to be a head and torso atop a massive serpent’s tail, provides a fired-up climax. Pegasus, a light saber-like sword and a freaky sidekick who looks like a cross between a totem pole and a Jawa from “Star Wars” all add to the fun.
“Clash” benefits by comparison to the original (which was released the same day as “Raiders of the Lost Ark”) and most other movies about men in leather cheerleaders’ skirts. Is it immortal? Nah, but if it’s mythic feats you desire, it’ll slake your thirst.