Entertainment

Invading aliens are ETedious

‘They’re dead, I’m here — like the punch line of a bad joke,” Marine sergeant-with-a-past Aaron Eckhart mutters through a clenched jaw, referring to deceased comrades in Afghanistan at the low point of “Battle: Los Angeles.” This silly extraterrestrial-invasion epic somehow manages the feat of making the destruction of La La Land seem tedious.

That line and a few other howlers drew big laughs from the otherwise unresponsive audience at a screening I attended the other evening. If the filmmakers had added the newly available Charlie Sheen and a few more punch lines to this demented mash-up of “Platoon,” “Black Hawk Dawn” and “Starship Troopers,” it might actually be the funniest movie released so far this year.

Instead, be prepared to endure long dull stretches, cheesy special effects and so much shakycam footage (a la “Cloverfield”) they should hand out airsickness bags at the popcorn counter. Director Jonathan Liebesman (“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning”) may want to emulate the grunt’s eye view of the battles in “Black Hawk Down,” but he’s no Ridley Scott: It’s often impossible to tell who’s doing what to whom.

The invaders (mostly glimpsed at a distance) appear to be more aggressive relatives of the prawn-like interned extraterrestrials in “District 9.” But there’s no political satire in Christopher Bertolini’s deadly serious, tin-eared recruiting poster of a script, which at one point has a fist-pumping Eckhart proclaim “Marines don’t quit!”

Eckhart’s character has just been approved for a discharge when not-from-Mexico aliens begin landing off the beaches of Santa Monica. He’s ordered back into action as the second-in-command to a much younger and less experienced officer whose platoon is assigned to evacuate a handful of civilians from an area set to be carpet-bombed.

This band of stereotypes (the one with post-traumatic stress, the gun-shy rookie, the grunt who blames Eckhart for his brother’s death, etc.) is mostly played by unknowns. Veteran action star Michelle Rodriguez has little to do as a communications officer; Bridget Moynahan fares even worse as a veterinarian who diagnoses the ETs’ weaknesses. Michael Pena’s single father is clearly on hand to serve as collateral damage.

“Battle: Los Angeles” picks up a very small head of steam when our heroes fight their way up a freeway and into the center of the city. Anyone hoping the firefights in this flick — filmed entirely in Louisiana — will reach Beverly Hills is going to be sorely disappointed.

lou.lumenick@nypost.com