I’m beginning to doubt that TLC really stands for The Learning Channel.
With shows about hoarding, strange sexual habits and even stranger addictions, not to mention those who marry and procreate in unnatural numbers, people who are too fat, too small, too obsessed with cakes, weddings, kids, tattoos and coupons, TLC should stand for The Leering Channel.
But each strange show is more fun than a barrel of “Sister Wives.”
Tonight, a new series begins, “D.U.I.,” in which The Leering Channel teaches us a good lesson: Drive while stoned or drunk, and you’re sunk.
The action takes place in Sequoyah County, Okla., and involves the local cops and the local stoners, drunks and social drinkers who meet and grate when pulled over.
The first person stopped is a morbidly obese woman in shorts who is driving erratically.
When she opens the door, the car is stinking of pot. She immediately starts crying, “I haven’t had a drink! I don’t deserve this . . . why me?”
Ahh, because you’re stoned, lady.
The cops find a bag of pot in the car and ask her, “How often do you smoke?” Her answer: “Not very often; I’m poor!” What?
Turns out the stoner is Jessie, a 300-pound, 36-year-old — get this — grandmother! Jessie then says, “I’m disabled! If I go to jail, they’ll stop the disability checks, and we’ll be homeless. My children and grandson depend on me!”
Meantime, she lives in a lovely, large split-level and hardly looks poor. Her only disability seems to be morbid obesity. When her skinny boyfriend comes to the station hoping to make bail, he shows up shirtless.
Can our tax dollars go to better use than supplying this fat lady and paramour with pot and cakes?
Jessie faces jail, a $1,000 fine and suspension of her license — if she gets convicted.
Next up is Justin, a young guy who is stopped for a broken taillight and ends up in jail when he fails a Breathalyzer.
Justin was out on the lake with his pals and had “maybe 10 beers during the day.”
Now his life can be ruined with a stint in jail.
It’s fascinating to watch the perps go from the initial traffic stop to the jail to facing the judge to facing real jail time.
The prospect of getting nailed after a drink is so scary, you’ll need a drink to calm down.