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What is it with these people? Why are the only ideas they come up with bad ones? And why are other networks so eager to copy them?
Judging from Saturday’s North Carolina-Kentucky game, the college basketball opener on CBS, the network’s plan this season is to go ESPN: Seize every moment to present viewers with mindless, distracting, annoying, view-shrinking, screen-cluttering graphics. Force them to read about the game. Who cares if they tuned in to watch it!
CBS threw up so many on-the-run, numb-skulled numbers and needless game info detritus, you would have thought basketball was invented by Dr. Kevorkian instead of Dr. Naismith.
Was there even one soul watching — or trying to watch — who had the sudden and recurring need to know how many rebounds each team had to that point? And even if there were two such souls, why serve the needs of two neurotics ahead of the sensible?
At one point, to illustrate what Jim Nantz had just told us — that UNC hadn’t scored in four minutes — CBS posted a running “UNC Missed Shot Clock.” That meant CBS gave us three running clocks — the UNC Missed Shot Clock, the shot clock and the game clock — at the same time! And with a ballgame going on above and behind them!
You can hear the broadcast truck now: “Quick! Put up the cuckoo clock!”
Beyond the score, there was not one graphic that could rival watching the game. Not one. Yet CBS kept pumping them out, doing its best to wreck the view. Field-goal stats, rebound stats, 3-point-shot stats, turnover stats, points-in-the-paint stats — they never stopped.
Then again, TV folks never stop. We’ve been writing it for years: There’s no idea so bad that it’s unworthy of duplication. Think of it this way: Which network’s sports division has distinguished itself for providing the cleanest, most unimpeded view of live sports?
There is none!
‘Foul’ analysis of horrible Houston penalty
The You Can’t Make This Stuff Up Sports Culture Play of the Week: Houston, undefeated and a 14-point favorite over Southern Miss in the Conference USA championship game, was trailing 42-21 with 9:18 left, on ABC/ESPN. Houston was driving; it still had a shot.
But Houston center Chris Thompson, after the whistle, continued to block a defensive back down the field. Finally, Thompson threw a punch, flooring the DB. Fifteen yards. Houston didn’t score on the possession, and went on to lose, 49-28.
ESPN analyst Craig James explained Thompson’s conduct this way: “That’s a senior just trying to do all he can.” Gratefully, play-by-player Mike Patrick didn’t buy it. He said Thompson was lucky he wasn’t ejected.
* Plain, sensible talk continues to be supplanted by trite, silly talk.
During the first quarter of LSU-Georgia on Saturday on CBS, Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray hit Tavarres King with a long pass. Gary Danielson suggested that had the ball not been slightly underthrown, the play “could have been a scoreboard-changer.” Maybe even a touchdown.
And when, in basketball, did a two-on-one or three-on-two fast break become “They’ve got numbers!”?
And reader Russ Kestler wants to know what to call it when a running back is hit, the ball pops out and is then caught by a linebacker. After all, it’s a fumble, yet “putting it on the ground/carpet” would not apply. I’d call it a “walk-off airball caused by defensive separation,” or, on the stat sheet, simply a WOABCBDS and sometimes Y.
* FOX should spring for some security outside its announcers’ booths. Based on the screaming throughout the Michigan State-Wisconsin Big Ten championship game on Saturday, someone kept sneaking in to stick Gus Johnson with a cattle prod.
* Even the normally thoughtful Sean McDonough can get caught up. Saturday, on ABC/ESPN, after a Texas first down, he exclaimed, “That’s four out of five now on third down!” What do they give you for that? In this case, nothing. Baylor was up, 14-0.
* Yesterday both Ian Eagle on CBS and Bob Wischusen on 1050 ESPN Radio were quick to question why Mark Sanchez, on third-and-23 from the Jets’ 28, would waste a third-quarter timeout to avoid a 5-yard delay of game penalty. Giants radio’s Bob Papa got it, too, wondering why Tom Coughlin wasted a challenge/timeout on Jake Ballard’s first-quarter, obvious one-foot-in end-zone catch.
* Saturday’s Houston-Southern Miss game included at least one “true freshman” and one “sixth-year senior.”
* Which program includes the most spoken words per minute: ESPN’s “Monday Night Football” or ABC’s “The View”?
Broncos watchers bucked
Although an AFC team, Denver, was the visitor against an NFC team, Minnesota, yesterday — normally making it a CBS telecast — FOX aired the game due to “flex” schedule changes that happen this time of season.
And sho’ nuff, after three-plus hours, with a minute left in regulation, and the score tied, FOX had to drop it locally for the start of Packers-Giants. Why not send the rest of Broncs-Vikings to FX or even FOX News Channel? Ten more minutes, at most. After all, as Roger Goodell claims, “It’s all about the fans.”
* Good job by the Islanders’ MSG Plus production crew, Friday in Chicago, tracking the in-arena reactions of the mother of Islanders goalie Al Montoya, who despite allowing four goals made some astonishing saves.
* A new adidas commercial includes a rapper grabbing at his crotch. The sneakers may prevent athlete’s foot — but not jock itch.
* Steve Somers, on WFAN Friday evening: “We interrupt these commercials for a tad of programming.”
* So after worrying about all the “little people” hurt by the NBA lockout — ushers, ticket-takers, vendors, program printers, front-office staffs, arena crews — when does David Stern send them back to work? Christmas Day.
* Red-zone stats make for still more uninspected absurdities. Yesterday, the Jets’ first red zone possession began on second down from the 19. But all red-zone possessions are given the same value.
* We have the two oldest, most tiresome TV-rewarded team mascots: Fireman Ed and Spike Lee.
* Money-To-Burn Local College Games of the Week: Columbia played North Texas in Los Angeles. Stony Brook played at Eastern Illinois. At least it wasn’t Western Illinois.
* If I were stinking rich, you know what I’d do? I’d buy the Eagles, just so I could tell DeSean Jackson to get lost. Gee, that would be fun.