The best thing about the goombas from “Jersey Shore” trav eling to Italy is that now the rest of the country will share in the shame that has, until now, been restricted to every Italian-American in the USA.
In Italy, these violent, drunken goofballs are not considered Italian. They are considered — and are — 110 percent American. Now how do you feel about having your country represented around the world like this?
Anyway, luckily for the “Jersey Shore” gang, they went to Florence — the one city in Italy that is totally set up for tourists — sort of like a Disney World without the rides for visitors.
Even so, out of their element, last night the “Shore” shooters looked like Big Macs and super-sized Cokes in the land of truffles and Brunello di Montalcino.
That, we expected.
What was unexpected, however, is that after several seasons of this excess, they are starting to look used up after too many years in the fast lane, where they’ve acted as outrageously as possible, gotten as drunk as humanly endurable and have abused themselves to the point of insanity.
Now, looking banged-up, they’ve become as comfortable in their parts as actors who’ve been in a soap for most of their adult lives.
Anyway, last night, after arriving in Florence at a gorgeous villa, and doing the usual rushing for rooms, the gang fell into their roles as easily as if they’d never left home.
Vinny is the only one who speaks Italian — several of them only pretend to be Italian and range in ethnicity from Chilean to Spanish to Irish — and so he became the de facto interpreter.
Like a demented toilet tour guide, he informed the boys (and us) upon arrival, that, “A bidet is very European. It’s a way of cleaning your butthole after you go to the bathroom. It feels kinda good, too.” Then, he added, “On a lonely night — you know?”
Troppe informazioni!
More fascinating than a lesson in the purpose of the bidet, however, was the totally cringe-making revelation by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, to Ronnie, of a secret sexual relationship between himself and Snooki. That night at the bar, the troll and the freak displayed their passion for the world when, with tongues flying at warp speed, they swapped a tremendous amount of spit.
Tragically, that might usurp Michelangelo’s “David” as one of the most memorable things ever seen in Florence.
Previews of upcoming “Jersey Shore” episodes show much drunken violence, with Snooki throwing glasses at “The Situation,” then running after her American boyfriend.
Ronnie goes berserk, breaks furniture and seems to attack Mike in a blind rage of violence.
As they say in Italy, “Oy vey, what a mess.”