I’ve really had it with Andy Warhol. I mean, if he’d never prophesized that in the future everyone would be famous for 15 minutes, maybe the future wouldn’t have caught up with us so quickly.
Seeing how it turned out, Warhol probably should have said, “In the future, the most boring will be famous for 15 minutes too long.”
Enter Bravo’s new attempt at catching the “Bachelor Pad” phenomenon with “Most Eligible Dallas,” one of the most uneventful reality shows ever mounted.
And, trust me, it couldn’t have been easy to turn six, coiffed, buff, rich Dallas singles into unfunny “Friends” — or make that “Friends” without benefits (so, far anyway).
Tara works at her parents’ electronics company and rescues dogs, and Courtney calls hottie Matt her best friend but ends up running off in tears every time he brings a girl around. Unfortunately, this happens very often. She says they are Hooter hoes.
Drew is the token gay man who has recently lost 200 (yes, 200) pounds and is a speed junkie. No — not pills, cars. This is good, because he works in his family’s high-end car dealership selling cars for as much as a million bucks.
Glenn is a punter for the NFL, aspires to be a model and has a hard time remembering all the teams he’s worked for.
Finally, there’s Neill, a 23-year-old single mother who seems to be the only girl who can keep Matt interested for more than five minutes.
On tonight’s premiere, Courtney runs off not once but twice when Matt invites her out and brings around girlfriends. As he says, “Why settle for one-on-one when you can have two-on-one? Why settle for two-on-one when you can have five-on-one? Why settle for five-on-one, when you can invite a buddy and have 15-on-two?”
Not that they show us any of those fifteensomes, mind you.
Towards the end of the episode, the friends get together at a sushi joint and Matt brings a date — Neill. Courtney gets on her for going out when she’s got a 1-year-old at home, as though she’s supposed to stay inside and take the veil or something.
The eligible women of Dallas look scarily alike: Big hair, big jewelry, big boobs and the big bucks to go along with it. On the upside of all of this is the fact that I can now tell you the exact location of the hole in the ozone. It is over Dallas, where the women carry giant cans of hairspray in their purses.
The men are cookie-cutter, as well: 12-pack abs to go along with six-shooter histories of families who’ve been there forever.
Next!