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What do the following wish-list restaurant phenomena have in common?
* Great new Italian places to fill the void left by the recent closings of Convivio and Alto.
* One new eatery of any cuisine in FiDi — the city’s fastest-growing residential neighborhood — worth making a trip for.
* A serious Indonesian restaurant, which Manhattan has lacked for decades.
* Real molecular cuisine as practiced in Spain, France, London and Chicago.
* A place to cook again for Laurent Gras, America’s finest French-born chef without a restaurant.
Answer: None is on the horizon in the months ahead. Instead, we’re getting Peruvian curiosities, “sci-fi Korean” and a $245 prix fixe-only Spanish menu, all from chefs of whom you’ve likely never heard. They’re coming soon to a neighborhood probably not near you.
Welcome to the Anti-Fall Preview. You’ve read about the colorful cornucopia of new spots from points afar opening soon. Many of the high-profile ones are being launched by foreigners in thrall to their titanic egos — and the cheap dollar, which makes rents more affordable to them than to local chefs and owners.
Some say they’re on a “mission” to introduce New Yorkers to arcane styles that might exist more in their minds than in the lands of their supposed inspirations. They might not have a clue about which way the subways run, but thank goodness for them, or there might have been no fall previews at all.
Sure, Danny Meyer’s launching North End Grill in Battery Park City, and Alain Allegretti is bringing Riviera-themed La Promenade des Anglais to West 23rd Street.
And, yes, John DeLucie, of The Lion fame, just launched Crown on the Upper East Side, which he swears will be “without attitude.” When I called yesterday, a curt recorded British voice — now obligatory on reservation lines — advised me to press “1” to book a table. After five minutes, a different voice told me the person I was seeking at “extension 013” was unavailable, and the line went dead. Who needs attitude when mere idiocy will do?
But most other local owners are waiting out a dining recession that never fully recovered from the 2008 crash. Don’t be fooled by rooms that look full; the private-party business, which paid the rent at lots of places, is a pittance of what it once was.
I hope every one of the exotic new places draws millions of customers and earns oodles of critics’ stars. But I also hope their owners have done more homework than their boasting, and choices of locations, suggest.
Maria Loi, the “Greek Martha Stewart” who’s launching a Greek place on the former Compass site on West 70th Street, says our Greek places need authenticizing.
New Yorkers hate being preached to about “authenticity.” Plus, truly authentic Greek cuisine can be numbingly monotonous. Loi can learn from our places that need no lesson plans, from inexpensive Kefi to pricey Estiatorio Milos and Periyali.
Many imports are coming to locations our local talent know are trouble. Take Hakkasan, the modern-Chinese spectacle via London, where maybe Asian spectacles haven’t fizzled out yet as they have here.
They might have chosen the Flatiron or Meatpacking districts, but the grim zone of 43rd Street between Eighth and Ninth avenues?
Peruvian chef Gastón Acurio boasts 29 restaurants in 12 countries. His new La Mar Cebicheria Peruana — one word too many — will launch its “traditional Peruvian cuisine with a modern twist” menu at 11 Madison Ave., in what was Tabla.
If Danny Meyer couldn’t keep his well-regarded, quasi-Indian place on Madison Square Park going, Acurio is one brave guy to try filling a vast space saddled by huge overhead and little sidewalk traffic with a ceviche-based menu.
Then there’s Café Pushkin, a 7,500-square-foot Moscow import at 41 W. 57th St. When I first reported the deal last spring, I noted that the block between Fifth and Sixth avenues is full of empty stores.
The site’s challenges drove out local hero Shelly Fireman (Cafe Fiorello, etc.), who ran it as Shelly’s. Even in a town clogged with free-spending oligarchs, how great is demand for Russian cuisine in a Disney-fied setting? The Russian Tea Room is often empty.
Jung Sik, named for its chef, is taking on 2 Harrison St. How a menu “blending haute techniques, flashes of molecular gastronomy and a style Sik devised for Korean army officers,” as The Post’s Carrie Seim reported, will play in the Old World confines formerly home to Chanterelle remains to be seen.
I can’t wait to try Barcelona-based Dr. Miguel Sanchez Romera’s “neurogastronomical” take on Spanish cuisine. (To be clear: I can’t wait to try all the new arrivals.) But I wish for his sake it wasn’t in the basement of the Dream Downtown Hotel. Its $245 prix fixe-only menu might be outside the budget of scenesters hanging at the hotel’s pool and lounges. For those who can afford it, a basement’s a basement, even when it’s designed by Del Posto whiz Glen Coben.
Let’s pray for the new class. Meanwhile, let’s also hope somebody will have the guts to open a good, normal Szechuan place in Midtown — or the talent to make grits in any part of town that don’t taste like mashed potatoes.
And Laurent Gras is looking for a location in the West 20s. I hope he has a smart real estate broker, because the way the fall’s shaping up, we need all the brilliance we can get -— in the right places.
scuozzo@nypost.com