Auditions are hell — and not just for newcomers. Even the most celebrated actors have blown it at one time or another. Sometimes it’s merely a case of bad nerves, but it might just as well have to do with a misguided casting call, a producer’s pet peeve, lousy timing or too many courage-boosting cocktails. Maybe even all of the above.
As the new theater season gets under way and the marquees fill with names familiar and new, The Post wondered about all those auditions and who didn’t make the cut, and why. So we asked some of Broadway’s best and brightest to recall the time they went up for something — and fell flat on their faces.
*Patti LuPone
The one I remember distinctly was auditioning for “Rex,” the Richard Rodgers’ musical [from 1976]. I was in the Acting Company at the time, and I was coming in for the part Penny Fuller got. I heard someone singing and moved to the wings, where I watched her audition and was blown away. And then it was my turn.
The first thing I see is
Richard Rodgers’ bald head. Oh s – – t! I sang, really, really, really badly. [Director] Ned Sherrin came over and tried to direct me, but I was so intimidated by Penny that I totally stunk up the stage.
The “Evita” and “Gypsy” star returns to Broadway this fall in “An Evening With Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin.”
*Nathan Lane
When I was in tech rehearsals for “Merlin” [in 1983], I was asked to meet the great filmmaker Milos Forman, who was directing the film of “Amadeus.” I went to his apartment to discuss the role of Schikaneder. Milos was exceedingly charming, and at the end of the meeting he asked if I wouldn’t mind reading a scene with him. I was happy to oblige.
I did the first line, and when I finished, he said, “No, more like this.” Then he read the line. I did the next line, and then he said the same thing . . . this went on for the entire scene. Line by line. When we finally finished, I looked at him and said, “Well, I don’t know about me, but I think you’d be great in the part.” He giggled, gave me a screen test — and Simon Callow was wonderful in the movie.
The two-time Tony winner (“A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum,” “The Producers”) returns to Broadway this spring in “The Iceman Cometh.”
*Nina Arianda
I was 17 when I went to London to audition for a drama school, and I was terribly nervous. I got up onstage and said, “Hi, I’m Nina Arianda and the people I’ll be doing are Lady Percy from ‘Henry IV, Part II” and Jill, from ‘The Big Funk.’ ” And then there was a really long silence.
“Excuse me,” someone said. “What did you say?” So I said “Lady Percy,” and she said, “No, we heard that. What else?” I said “The Big Funk” — it’s an American play, by John Patrick Shanley — and I spelled it out for them and they stared at me and I realized they thought I said “The Big F – – k.”
It was hard enough being a North American auditioning in London, but then to offend them! It’s hard to bounce back after that. I didn’t get into the school.
After getting her master’s at New York University, Arianda won the Theater World Award, the Clive Barnes Award and other kudos for “Venus in Fur,” on Broadway this fall.
*Harvey Fierstein
My worst audition was for the role of Roberta Muldoon, the transvestite football player in the 1982 film “The World According to Garp.” The casting director, Marion Dougherty, called me in, and the first time around I was terrific. So she had me back to audition for the director, George Roy Hill. And I crashed and burned. I was terrible. He wouldn’t even look at me. He looked at Marion and said, “Do you want this job or not?” You know you’ve hit bottom when you get the casting director fired.
Fierstein’s new musical, “Newsies,” which he wrote with composer Alan Menken, opens this month at the Paper Mill Playhouse.
*Martha Plimpton
When I was a kid — 8 or 9 — I’d already done a workshop with Elizabeth Swados for 1978’s “Runaways.” She was developing an avant-garde musical about “Alice in Wonderland” and wanted me to come in and improvise as Alice. She had no script, no music — she just wanted to watch a child at play. The problem was, I was a child at play on a stage. She was in the audience, and [Public Theater founder] Joe Papp was there as well. I had to run around or pretend I was chasing a rabbit, but I was completely at a loss . . .
The job was given to Meryl Streep, who was in her 20s. I think, through that disastrous experiment, they discovered they might do better with an adult.
The Emmy-nominated star of TV’s “Raising Hope” won Tony nods for “Pal Joey,” “Top Girls” and “The Coast of Utopia.”
*Victoria Clark
There was a song I used for auditions, “I Want to Be a Prima Donna,” from an operetta, but it wasn’t funny or specific enough for me. So my friend Joe, a choreographer, gave me all this ballet stuff to do, and we made it, “I Want to Be a Prima Diva Ballerina.” I’d start with a selection from “La Boheme” — “Musetta’s Waltz” — then go right into this prima diva ballerina thing. I booked so many jobs with it!
I finally had an opportunity to audition for Carlotta, the diva in “Phantom.” You have to have a high E for that part, and I barely have a C, but I went to my voice teacher and got it. I do my thing for [“Phantom” director] Hal Prince. The E isn’t perfect, and there’s a long pause.
“I don’t know what show you think you’re auditioning for,” he says, “but it can’t possibly be this show.” I nearly died. It was such a clear no — there wasn’t going to be a conversation.
Clark, who won a Tony for “The Light in the Piazza,” is now the Mother Superior of “Sister Act.”
*Joel Grey
When I was in my 20s, I auditioned for “The Sound of Music” to play the young German boy. Yes, a Nazi! Hey, it was work! It was Rodgers and Hammerstein! They had no interest in me at all. None. I sang “I Am Sixteen Going on Seventeen,” and I think they let me finish, because I knew the casting director. They did it as a favor — they were never planning to hire me. Then they said, “Thank you. Next!”
It’s funny, but when I was in Cleveland, age 10 or 11, there was this play called “Tomorrow the World,” with a great part for the young Nazi. I didn’t get that, and that was a crusher. I think that’s when I knew it was going to be hard.
Grey, currently starring in “Anything Goes,” finally got to play a Nazi — onstage and onscreen — in “Cabaret,” for which he won a Tony, an Oscar and a Golden Globe.
*John Cullum
When I auditioned for musicals, I was very nervous about singing. I was fired from two paying church jobs in Knoxville, Tenn., because I couldn’t cut the mustard singing. I finally started boosting my confidence by having a couple of drinks. I remember going to an auditon for “Finian’s Rainbow” — I had had about half a pint of vodka and was feeling no pain. They were afraid to hire me — they didn’t know what to do about a strange Southerner who was inebriated. Then I got a call from Paul Barry, who was directing. They’d lost the guy who played Woody.
I ended up getting the part.
Cullum, late of TV’s “Northern Exposure” and “ER,” won two Tonys and appeared most recently last year in Broadway’s “The Scottsboro Boys.”
*Tony Sheldon
I think my least favorite audition was with Tom O’Horgan, who came to Australia in 1976 to direct “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Everybody had to prepare a Beatles song. I prepared “With a Little Help From My Friends.” When I arrived at the theater, not only couldn’t I see Mr. O’Horgan in the audience, but there was an incredibly deep orchestra pit. To get my music to the pianist, I actually had to lie flat on my stomach and then hand it down to him.
I clambered back to my feet and barely got the first line out — “What would you do if I sang out of tune” — when I heard, “Thank you!” from Tom O’Horgan. And then I had to get my music back! So I had to lie down again on my stomach, only this time feeling totally humiliated . . . After that, I disappeared into the night, never to be seen again.”
Sheldon didn’t make the band, but he’s on Broadway now in “Priscilla Queen of the Desert,” for which he was nominated for both the Tony and Olivier awards.
*Roger Rees
I was living in New York and I got an urgent call from my agent saying I have to get out to Los Angeles right away for an important movie audition. I didn’t want to go, so I asked, “How do you know I’m right for the part?”
Because, he said, “they’re looking for a ‘Roger Rees’ type.” So I got on a plane, landed in Los Angeles, rented a car and drove straight to the studio to audition as Roger Rees for a “Roger Rees” type.
I didn’t get the part.
Rees, a Tony winner for “Nicholas Nickleby,” plays Gomez in “The Addams Family.”