This year’s equivalent of Perplexed, Lies and Videotape mercifully ends when the Colts are on the clock tonight at Radio City Music Hall.
High drama and compelling theater indeed, especially when Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum has his trigger finger itching for some action.
Prediction: A blockbuster trade up for running back Trent Richardson falls through when Rex Ryan leaves the war room to get a GD snack.
Without further ado, allow me to stumble out of this smokescreen-filled war room and present the annual Serby Mock Draft:
1. COLTS
QB, ANDREW LUCK, Stanford
They Sucked For Luck, and now they get to Suck With Luck. Peyton Manning (26 TDs, 29 INTs) went 3-13 as a rookie.
2. REDSKINS
QB, ROBERT GRIFFIN III, Baylor
It’ll be fun watching Jason Pierre-Paul chase this guy for the next decade. The only way it could have worked out worse for Rex Grossman is if Mike Shanahan had traded for Tim Tebow.
3. VIKINGS
OT, MATT KALIL, USC
Aaron Rodgers-to-Greg Jennings … Matthew Stafford-to-Calvin Johnson … Jay Cutler-to-Brandon Marshall. Opposing quarterbacks completed 72.1 percent of their passes for 27 touchdowns and no interceptions vs. the Vikes between Oct. 9 and Christmas Eve last season. But what if all the Morris Claiborne talk is to sucker the Bucs to trade up for Trent Richardson? Let’s protect second-year quarterback Christian Ponder.
4. BROWNS
RB, TRENT RICHARDSON, Alabama
Mike Holmgren picks a replacement for Peyton Hillis in a last-gasp attempt to salvage quarterback Colt McCoy. Richardson could be the best running back prospect since Adrian Peterson.
5. BUCCANEERS
CB, MORRIS CLAIBORNE, LSU
Aqib Talib is more con than pro, and Ronde Barber is on his last legs. New coach Greg Schiano is desperate for a shutdown corner against the likes of Drew Brees, Cam Newton and Matt Ryan.
6. RAMS
WR, JUSTIN BLACKMON, Oklahoma State
Jeff Fisher should be intrigued by DT Fletcher Cox, but Sam Bradford craves a go- to guy, Steven Jackson needs assistance, and somebody needs to check again to make sure the new locks will keep Gregg Williams out of the building.
7. JAGUARS
DT/DE, FLETCHER COX, Mississippi State
DT Terrance (Pot Roast) Knighton is recovering from eye surgery, and with Peyton out of the division, there is more of a priority to roadblock Arian Foster than Pluck From Luck.
8. DOLPHINS
QB, RYAN TANNEHILL,
Texas A&M
After being spurned by Peyton, Matt Flynn and Alex Smith, owner Stephen Ross lands his QB of the future.
9. PANTHERS
DE, QUINTON COPLES,
North Carolina
Ron Rivera needs a bookend pass rusher opposite Charles Johnson.
10. BILLS
CB, STEPHON GILMORE,
South Carolina
You can never have enough big corners when you face Tom Brady twice a year … or Tim Tebow. Well, Brady.
11. CHIEFS
ILB, LUKE KUECHLY,
Boston College
A tackling machine to thwart Darren McFadden and Ryan Matthews.
12. SEAHAWKS
G, DAVID DeCASTRO, Stanford
The Next Steve Hutchinson gets Marshawn Lynch in Beast Mode.
13. CARDINALS
OT, RILEY REIFF, Iowa
Larry Fitzgerald lobbies for Michael Floyd, but his quarterback — Kevin Kolb or John Skelton — will be flat on his back if he doesn’t have a quality bodyguard.
14. COWBOYS
S, MARK BARRON, Alabama
Rob Ryan beats Rex to an all-around vocal leader and an immediate upgrade over Brodney Pool and Gerald Sensabaugh.
15. EAGLES
DT/DE, MICHAEL BROCKERS, LSU
Andy Reid loves big bodies — must make him feel skinny — and this monster, who has been likened to Richard Seymour, will encourage Ahmad Bradshaw and DeMarco Murray to bounce it outside.
16. JETS
OLB, MELVIN INGRAM,
South Carolina
A toy for Rex Ryan with position flexibility since best available punt protector is no longer a need. They say his arms are too short (to box with God), but Tebow can show him how. Asked why VP of college scouting Joey Clinkscales, reportedly headed for the Raiders after the draft, was seen bound and gagged in the war room, GM Mike Tannenbaum would only say: “Joey’s done a lot of good things for us.”
17. BENGALS
WR, MICHAEL FLOYD,
Notre Dame
A Terrell Owensesque bookend for A.J. Green and another big target for Red Rifle Andy Dalton.
18. CHARGERS
DE, WHITNEY MERCILUS, Illinois
A.J. Smith needs someone to get in Peyton’s face twice a year.
19. BEARS
DE, CHANDLER JONES, Syracuse
The ideal 4-3 bookend to Julius Peppers.
20. TITANS
CB, DRE KIRKPATRICK, Alabama
The ideal replacement for Cortland Finnegan.
21. BENGALS
DT, DONTARI POE, Memphis
If Marvin Lewis and Mike Zimmer can’t light a fire under this guy, who can? If they can, it’s a very big fire.
22. BROWNS
OT, JONATHAN MARTIN, Stanford
A second last-gasp attempt to save Colt McCoy.
23. LIONS
DE/OLB, SHEA McCLELLIN,
Boise State
His college coach calls him a “trained assassin.” Music to Ndamukong Suh’s trained assassin ears.
24. STEELERS
G/T, CORDY GLENN, Georgia
A want ad has been placed for Road Grader.
25. BRONCOS
RB, DOUG MARTIN, Boise State
John Elway swears that Peyton has no input. And there is no truth to a report Saints GM Mickey Loomis eavesdropped on a Peyton war room call to Elway asking, “Hey, isn’t it true you didn’t win a Super Bowl until you had Terrell Davis?”
26. TEXANS
WR, RUEBEN RANDLE, LSU
A big, big-play target for Matt Schaub opposite Andre Johnson.
27. PATRIOTS
OLB, Nick Perry, USC
Bill Belichick to Mark Sanchez: Go ahead, make my day!
28. PACKERS
S, HARRISON SMITH,
Notre Dame
A high-character center fielder to replace Nick Collins.
29. RAVENS
ILB, DONT’A HIGHTOWER, Alabama
Ray Lewis can’t play forever … can he?
30. 49ERS
G, KEVIN ZEITLER, Wisconsin
Brandon Jacobs frantically drives this pick to the podium with the help of California state troopers. Another Nasty Boy for Jim Harbaugh, and much easier to pronounce and spell than Amini Silatolu.
31. PATRIOTS
DE/OLB, COURTNEY UPSHAW, Alabama
Belichick to Tebow: Go ahead, make my day! If Nick Saban coaches them, Belichick is interested, and you would be too if you fielded the 31st-ranked pass defense and lost DE Mark Anderson.
32. GIANTS
OT, BOBBY MASSIE, Mississippi
Kareem McKenzie is gone, and David Diehl is no spring chicken, and Will Beatty isn’t headed to Canton just yet. Ourlad’s scouting report: “Plays with good natural knee bend.” Perfect, SNL’s Eli Manning will be able to see over him.