Entertainment

Give ‘Medieval’ the rack

The witless “Medieval Play” might have been written by a cocky 16-year-old boy. And not just any boy, but one eager to show off his arcane erudition (the story revolves around 14th-century papal wars) and irreverent sense of humor (cue anachronistic jokes and pointless profanity).

But this would-be comedy is by Kenneth Lonergan, author of such sharply observed plays as “This Is Our Youth” and “Lobby Hero,” as well as the wonderful movie “You Can Count on Me.”

Here, the writing is as dull as the swords of our heroes, Sir Ralph (Josh Hamilton) and Sir Alfred (Tate Donovan). These struggling knights eke out a living as mercenaries, and end up embroiled in the rivalry between the French and Italian popes.

The pair’s painfully unfunny opening conversation sets the tone for the rest of the show, which bowed last night at the Signature Center. They even resort to air quotes — the entire production should be in air quotes — as the doubting Ralph questions the worth of medieval society.

“What about three-field crop rotation?” Alfred points out. “Are you gonna sit there and tell me that you don’t like three-field crop rotation?” Worse, they have to deliver this stuff straight-faced and in full armor.

That’s nothing compared to the indignity that awaits Hamilton, who has a punishing sex scene with Halley Feiffer’s horny-but-conflicted Dame Margery.

Feiffer (“The House of Blues Leaves,” “Tigers Be Still”) should get combat pay — actually, double that, since she’s the brightest star here. Whether playing a harlot, a lady or a jester, this gifted comedian makes the most out of every scrap that’s thrown at her.

But she’s lonely out there, because Lonergan, who also directed, cast fine actors who aren’t known for being funny. With the likes of Nathan Lane, Will Ferrell or Christian Borle, “Medieval Play” still wouldn’t be good, but it could have been better.

Instead we’re left with an overlong, self-consciously clever show where strained jokes are run into the ground.

“Before you sit down, make sure your seat has not been fouled,” Margery says, reading from an etiquette book at a banquet table.

Puzzled, a fellow diner asks, “What does she mean, like, s – – t?”

Yeah, like that.