Ok, so kill me. Or worse, give me eternal life.
Five seasons ago, I publicly declared my undying hatred of all things “True Blood.”
I liked my vampires, I wrote, to be too busy ripping out throats to take time out for a stop at 7-Eleven for a nice cold six-pack of synthetic blood before a night of anal sex with a ripe human.
After watching those first few advance screeners in the newsroom (it’s my freaking job — OK?), in full-frontal view of my passing colleagues, I fully expected to get the call from HR giving me the boot for booting up porn during working hours.
I found Season 2 a little more tolerable, but still dopey. However, when the werewolves showed up, I started to salivate. Finally! As much throat-ripping as bodice-ripping.
On Sunday night, Season 5 premieres, and they’ve added a new element that makes it something I can finally (I’m sorry) sink my teeth into.
They’ve added politics as blood sport.
Authority has come to town, boys and gargoyles. Right off, who knew that vampires (a k a vampyres) had a whole annoying bureaucracy?
But they do—and seriously? — it’s been going on for just, well, forever.
On next week’s episode, the new Guardian, Roman, head of the Authority, is introduced and it’s none other than Christopher Meloni (“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”).
We still have vamp SVUs, so he’s pledged to root out and bring the “Sanguinistas,” who believe God created humans as a food source for vamps, to heel.
He holds the key to nondead life right there in the Vampyre Bible, which, after all these millennia, makes everything you may have wondered about perfectly clear to us.
Yes, God is a vampyre.
Dammit! I knew it!
The vamp prayers are a riot, and Meloni’s Roman (maybe in a nod to “Rosemary’s Baby”?) even reads a verse aloud, about Adam and Eve (also vamps).
As for what’s old (new in vamp years), they take up from last season’s finale and Tara’s (Rutina Wesley) shooting. Well, as you know, in the town of Bon Temps, death is a matter of semantics. Very scary and the best Tara scenes so far.
Jason (Ryan Kwanten) is still naked most of the time and still irresistible to all females, living and non-dead. Why I can’t say.
Oh well, I can say, but considering that all the male flesh as well as flesh eaters in that town are built for speed, maybe the women should pick a smart one occasionally.
Then, there’s Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgård), who get into a big mess while cleaning up a big mess, and are visited by a sexy female vamp whom Eric has known all his lives.
Much very hot, naked sex ensues, although when you find out who she is, you may think you’re watching “Game of Thrones” instead.
Yes, Sookie (Anna Pacquin) is still the most desirable woman in all of Bon Temps.
But they still don’t explain why everyone doesn’t get the hell outta there.