It was Huxley College’s new, football-minded president, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, played by Groucho Marx, who, during an anatomy lecture, identified the condition that causes the body’s chemicals to be stirred by sudden visceral reactions:
“We now find ourselves among the Alps. The Alps are very simple people, living on a diet of rice and old shoes. Beyond the Alps lie more Alps. And the Lord Alps those who Alp themselves.
“We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head, down to the feet, gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head, again. This is known as Auction Pinochle.”
And so here we are. These are odd times, when news conferences are held to announce that a coach with a year left on his contract will not be fired, and extraordinary conclusions are attached to the results of two end-of-season games in which none of the three teams were good enough to play well when it most counted, thus none finished above .500.
Still, all aboard the Rex Ryan Revival Love Train — a spinoff from the movie “Saving Head Coach Ryan.” Not until the Jets lose their next game will Ryan’s ability to inspire young men to occasional victory again be doubted.
I don’t know whether Rex Ryan is a good coach, a so-so coach or a bad one. Most of us have on-the-job inconsistency in common. All I know is that after long kick returns, TV cuts to specials teams coaches as if they deserve full blame or credit.
But I do know the one young man who deserves so much of the credit for Ryan’s resurrected status has been ingloriously ignored. Where would Ryan be without Lavonte David?
The Jets had lost in Week 1 of the 2013 season when the Buccaneers linebacker committed a late-hit foul on Geno Smith. The 15-yard penalty allowed Nick Folk, on the next play, to kick the winner from 48 yards with :02 left.
No greater opening-day gift — a two-game swing — ever was gifted any NFL coach.
Though it’s impossible to determine the precise significance David’s play had on the Jets’ season and Ryan’s future, it seems there can be little doubt it had plenty.
Would the Jets still have been alive for a playoff spot as late as they were? Would the Ryan Love Revival last week left Florham Park in a van? We’ll never know, exactly.
But we do know Ryan, minimally, owes Lavonte David a thank you — if not his job
Olympics snub question gets the snub by MSG
Sometimes the worn out expression, “You can’t make it up,” wears best.
Sometimes, you just can’t make it up.
Within Thursday’s Blackhawks-Islanders on MSG, the theme was the curious omission of ascending Isles forward Kyle Okposo from the U.S. Olympic team. Unless there was some unknown issue that trumped skill and desire, the 25-year-old from Minnesota — the son of a Nigerian dad — has become an action figure, a puck magnet and a top-12 NHL scorer.
So Thursday, having lost a 2-0 lead to the NHL’s best team, surviving overtime to throw shootout craps seemed the best the Isles could do.
But then, as if touched by Lady Liberty, Okposo put crayons to the story — he scored to end it. As he was surrounded by teammates, the Coliseum’s snow-eschewers chanted, “U-S-A!”
And when Howie Rose and Butch Goring finished their “ain’t-that-something?” take on Okposo vis-à-vis the game’s finish and Olympic snub, Rose sent it to the ice, to MSG’s Islanders’ studio host/rover Peter Ruttgaizer, who was with Okposo.
Ruttgaizer asked Okposo, “What allowed you to beat the defending champions?”
Next: “Walk us through the winning goal.” That was it. He neither asked nor said anything to Okposo about the Olympic team — not a word!
Even as the crowd renewed the “U-S-A!” chant and Okposo stepped back, waved, then volunteered into MSG’s microphone, “I’m getting the chills,” Ruttgaizer, incredibly, never went near the story.
You can’t make it up.
What’s below shameless? The anything-for-a-buck sellout of great sports traditions continues:
So, Baylor — school colors green and gold since 1897! — is identified in green and gold by ESPN’s Fiesta Bowl graphics. Coaches are seen in green caps. But the team is wearing all bad-boy black uniforms, not a stitch of green in sight.
The previous day, while UCLA, in CBS’s Sun Bowl, abandoned its famous powder blue – officially “UCLA Blue”—- and gold uniforms to wear bad-boy black, the DePaul Blue Demons played basketball on FOX Sports 1 in bad-boy black uniforms.
Tix price lows way too high
Ever read advertisements and wonder how anyone could write them without retching?
This discount offer is from an Los Angeles radio station’s website in conjunction with the NHL: “Limited-time offer! Select seats to the historic January 25th Kings vs. Ducks Outdoor Game at Dodger Stadium now start as low as $139.” Yep, as low as $139.”
The Knicks’ last hope came through! Thursday, Mike Francesa declared the Knicks had no shot to win any of their three games in Texas, and that Iman Shumpert must go. That night the Knicks beat the Spurs in San Antonio, Shumpert scored a career-high 27 and WFAN misplaced some more tapes.
Every time Carmelo Anthony tweets, a Syracuse alum winces.
If, according to Mike Mayock, Kirk Herbstreit and others, football receivers “high-point the football” — jump to catch it — how come we never are told that basketball players “high-point the basketball” in grabbing rebounds? Or is that coming?
Monday night, what should’ve been enjoyed as a super basketball game — Louisiana Tech’s overtime upset of Oklahoma at OU, as seen on MSG — instead became a barely sufferable chore. The last eight minutes of game-clock time — loaded with timeouts, TV timeouts, replay stoppages — took nearly 45 minutes to complete.
For empty-minded, platitude-enriched filler — and the most forced, unfunny humor — there’s nothing like those Lou Holtz and Mark May college football rap sessions on ESPN. Naturally, though, ESPN considers their act a can’t-miss staple of its coverage.
If the new, expertly spoken “key” to winning football games — or at least keeping them close — is to “make some plays,” why don’t players decide to make some plays? Why did they previously decide to not make some plays?