WOMEN love jerks.
Sad and cliché — but oh so true. “I used to become obsessed with changing them,” explains recovering jerk-lover 23-year-old Amanda Slavin. “I create a potential for them, almost like an ideal version of them, and then I never really see them for who they are.”
Have you dated a jerk? Sound off in the comments section below!
Like, say, the fact that one of her exes would actually scream that she was a “c – – – ” in public and then threaten to punch other guys who talked to her?
“Yeah, he would pretty much say he hated all women and then call me a praying mantis,” the pretty brunette says. “It wasn’t OK.”
Definitely not OK, but so much fun to dish about.
And now, fun to watch. MTV is cashing in on this age-old dysfunction with its brand-new series “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” examining the vicious cycle of nice girls and loser guys. Based on creator Jay Louis’ Web site and book “Hot Chicks With D – – – – – bags,” the show examines what he calls a “national plague” of overly confident men leeching on women’s mothering-nurturing-fixing instinct. Often, they are all too easily identifiable in their “spectacle” dress, inspired by boy bands, neck tattoos and, of course, Jersey.
“D – – – – – bags are literally like dangling tinsel and trying to attract girls,” he says. “The show is like a civics lesson. We’re giving back.”
And The Post wants to give back, too, which is why we spoke to jerks, jerk-lovers and jerk JERKS from page 35
experts in an effort to figure out why so many jerk-hole men are able to easily date above their paygrade with women who could do so, so much better.
“I had an ex who used to say, ‘My claws fit your wounds,’ ” confesses Barbara Davilman, co-author of “What Was I Thinking? 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories,” featuring tales of nightmares from the yogi who corrected his lover’s posture during sex to the male porn star who complained his girlfriend was too promiscuous. (MTV isn’t the only one cashing in on the phenomenon; the rights to Davilman’s book were just bought by New Line Cinema, with Jennifer Garner slated to star.)
“I was only attracted to guys who were unavailable because I was replicating the message I got from my mother, which was: I wasn’t good enough,” Davilman says.
“I hoped that one of these ‘unavailable guys’ would suddenly see me as ‘good enough’ and my big, giant emotional scar would be miraculously healed.”
New York psychiatrist Marianne Gillow calls this “repetition compulsion theory,” explaining, “The hope is to master the original trauma with a different guy, but instead it often cements the trauma, in other words, back to the cynicism that all men are d – – – s.”
And it is a trauma. Other horror stories we heard: After the relationship has ended, continuing to text, saying, “We were the most perfect couple, and you threw it all away.” Another boyfriend-from-hell took a cup full of ice and threw it all around while proclaiming, “This is like my heart. It’s impossible to feel.” And, of course, the classic: suddenly seeing your man making out with your good friend.
On the dance floor. Right in front of you.
But the jerks say it’s not all their fault.
Paul Adler, 20, cops to being a jerk because he’s been hurt so badly by women when he acted like a nice guy or — shudder — relegated to the “friend zone,” he says. Which is clearly what made him punch a virgin in the face (she punched first), then sleep with her; refuse to call a girl by her name, instead referring to her by hometown; and convince girls to have sex in public places.
But have a heart. Adler used to.
“Every time I’ve tried to get into a relationship it’s ended up bad, so I’ve taken on the attitude of f – – – them,” he says.
Teasing women or even being obnoxious is often a “social lubricant,” says Stephen Lentini, who last year started
thetotald – – – – – blog.com.
“Being a d-bag in the context of getting girls creates a heightened state and allows you to go in with more confidence than you would naturally have.”
The kind of confidence that would let you ask a girlfriend for help with your career.
“I once gave a job recommendation to someone I was ‘dating,'” confesses Dorothy Robinson, co-author of “Dating Makes You Want To Die (But You Have To Do It Anyway).” And then: “He ended up getting the job and dumped me.”
She theorizes the problem comes from women liking challenges. “We’re used to things being hard.”
Or controlling and abusive, as was the case with one 33-year-old New York woman whose ex used to give her “rules” for what to wear including: no heels, no dresses. And if she dolled herself up, he would say, “If I wanted to date someone who wore makeup, I would date a prostitute.”
Advises Gillow the psychiatrist, “My theory is that if you look at clubs and bars as your primary source of dating material, then narcissists and sociopaths are going to be disproportionately represented. There are a lot of good men in the city, but I call it the ‘invisible man theory.’ These guys get up, go to work, go to the gym, get Chinese food, and it’s the same cycle. Meanwhile, women are busy going to Bungalow 8 — and then they start getting cynical.”
The one piece of advice the now happily married Davilman offers fellow jerk-loving women is this: “Always be yourself. Always. Even when your friends tell you to try and dial it back. You want the guy who you can totally be yourself with.”
Oh, and while you’re at it?
Totally rock that makeup, dress and heels.
mstadtmiller@nypost.com