As there always is — when she’s punched, when she’s cuffed, when she’s drunk and picking up juiceheads — there’s a swarm of paparazzi circling Snooki. But the traders elbowing past the photographers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange are unimpressed.
“It’s a midget,” one trader yelled as Snooki and her “Jersey Shore” castmates prepared to ring the exchange’s opening bell.
“They’re dumbing down America,” another scoffed.
“Are you serious?” barked an incredulous banker. “All this for these retards?”
That — and so much more. The Wall Street guys may mock, but these days, the “Jersey Shore” fist-pumping gang are the real masters of the universe. Guido is good.
PHOTOS: SNOOKI AND THE SITUATION’S WALL-STREET MAKEOVER
SEASIDE HEIGHTS MAYOR: THANKS, SNOOKI!
Author, TV star, entrepreneur, investor. That accurately, if hilariously, describes Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, with his almost cartoonishly sculpted abs, and his co-star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, famous for getting socked in the face in a bar and now for being arrested Friday in Seaside Heights for disorderly conduct after she was spotted drinking on the beach.
“I’m not trashy, unless I drink too much,” Snooki famously said on the first season of “Jersey Shore.”
She drinks a lot.
The Post invited Snooki and The Situation to trade in their tank tops and bikinis for a makeover photo shoot in the stately, gold-gilded North Committee room of the exchange.
“I look pretty damn good,” The Situation bragged as he adjusted his lapels and aimed his megawatt smile at the females in the room.
Snooki, used to wearing flip-flops and Ugg boots, had a different take: “You look like you’re wearing church shoes.”
She didn’t exactly love her own classed-up get-up. “Can’t we open it a little more?” she complained to her stylist about her dress shirt.
The crew narrowly missed a hissy fit when The Post asked her to put her signature poof in a ponytail. “That looks stupid. I don’t want to look ugly,” she said, stamping her foot but eventually giving in.
When Snooki was handed a glass filled with what looked like whiskey, she eagerly put it to her lips — it was 10 a.m. When told it was just a mixture of ginger ale and cola, she pushed it away in disgust.
It seems like the cast has been with us for an eternity, but it was just last December when the nation first learned the term “GTL” — gym, tan and laundry, The Situation’s motto for a full life.
More than 5 million viewers — the highest premiere audience for MTV since the Season 2 debut of “The Osbournes” — tuned in Thursday to watch the gang fight, tan and make out with “grenades” (fat, ugly women, as compared with “land mines,” skinny, ugly women) in the second-season premiere. Viacom even reported that its fourth-quarter profit of last year had quadrupled compared with the previous year, due in part to “Jersey Shore.”
Boosted by their instant celebrity, the cast renegotiated their pay, upping it from $5,000 an episode in the first season to $10,000 in the second, which takes place in Miami. Now the cast is rumored to be making $30,000 an episode ($360,000 total) for the third season, which returns to 1209 Ocean Ave. in Seaside Heights and is filming now.
Snooki splurged on a new BMW and The Situation, never to be outdone, bought a Bentley Cooper with “The Situation” emblazoned on its leather seats.
All for a cast of self-described guidos and guidettes who don’t sing, don’t dance and can’t act. They’re American Idles.
Although it’s hard to take The Situation seriously, a lot of brand names do. Reebok (backing his fitness video), GNC (releasing his fat-burning supplements) and Vitaminwater (using him as a mascot) have signed on to work with the six-packed star.
There’s a book, two clothing lines, a few iPhone apps and protein-infused vodka that also will be released within the year.
“Also, there’s some kind of liqueur,” he said, pausing. “I didn’t really have time to look into it. I’m sure my team is working on it.”
His “team” is made up of two lawyers, an agent, a manager, an accountant and his brother. A lot for the 27-year-old former assistant gym manager from Staten Island, but then it’s estimated he makes at least $1 million a year beyond his “Jersey Shore” fee.
“I’m doing pretty good. In a year’s time, I was able to start a brand name and make it a household name. That’s The Situation,” he said, flexing his biceps for the camera.
So are they in on the joke? Are they smarter than they look?
Well, maybe not.
When The Post’s stylist showed Snooki her clothing options — conservative button-up shirts, black skirts and blazers — she looked at a leopard-print bra hanging on a rack.
“Am I just wearing the bra?” she asked with a straight face.
Snooki also has a long list of projects. She’s working on a clothing line — “lots of animal print” — and two books — one fiction (about an Italian girl who goes to the Jersey Shore, natch) and the other nonfiction (about how she views guys). She makes a reported $20,000 just for showing up at a club.
“I would like to stay in the reality scene,” Snooki said. “Or a talk show or something like that. I’m really comfortable in front of the camera.
“Wait, isn’t Tyra getting off the air? I could replace her.”
The Marlboro, NY, resident cites Kimora Lee Simmons, ex-wife of Russell Simmons; Kendra Wilkinson, ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner; and Tori Spelling as inspirational women.
The Situation said that because he is so “unique,” he finds it hard to think of celebrities he feels inspired by. But after some prodding, he offered two: Mark Wahlberg for his acting career and Kim Kardashian for her brand power.
In fact, The Situation is getting so big for his britches that it sometimes causes rifts with MTV.
“I’m in constant battle with MTV to see where the line falls. You know, the things I do and say and the things they profit on and the things I profit on,” he said.
Some might say The Situation has delusions of grandeur.
“In 20 years, I see myself as a seasoned actor and a brand name synonymous with something as big as Hershey’s,” he said as his pint-sized co-star rolled her garishly painted eyes.
Yet, Snooki has grand goals, as well.
“I want to get my name out there. Not just Snooki but Nicole Polizzi. I want to be taken seriously. Not just as a party girl.”
The wit and wisdom of Snooki
* When I woke up, I was like, ‘What did I do last night?’ Like, ‘What did I do?’ I f- -ked up . . . story of my life.
* I am a princess at home. Like, I am the f- -king princess of f- -king Poughkeepsie.
* I don’t go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning, and I feel he did that intentionally for us. McCain would never put a 10 percent tax on tanning because he’s pale and he would probably want to be tan. Obama doesn’t have that problem. Obviously.
* I hate guys. I’m turning lesbian, I swear.
* My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy and live my life. My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juicehead, guido.
* I’m a vet tech. Like, I save animals; I don’t kill them. That’s why I don’t eat lobster or anything like that ’cause they’re alive when you kill it.