Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m actually writing what I’m writing.
For example, why, in 2013, must we encourage TBS and FOX to make their postseason baseball score boxes larger — but only big enough to be read — to see the score, the count, the inning? Ten years ago it wasn’t a problem. Why now?
Yet, something as irrelevant as TBS’s PitchTrax box appears as a large, clear-view essential. But the graphic that gives us the game’s immediate, pertinent particulars? Nope.
I don’t know how to break this to TBS, but never has anyone walked into a room, noticed a game on, then asked, “How’s PitchTrax doing?” On the other hand, “What’s the score?” and “What inning?” are FAQs.
Is there no one at either network who watches the telecasts then reports back, “Ya know, it’s hard to read what’s in that score box that’s up there. Perhaps if we enlarged it, viewers can see what we put in it.”
But it seems sports TV has made technology and talk the natural enemies of common sense.
All these years we saw offensive linemen and tight ends make downfield blocks? That’s not what we saw. Nope. Mike Mayock, Thursday during Seahawks-Cardinals, revealed those are “second-level blocks.”
But for those of us involuntarily enrolled in the NBC/NFLN Mayockian Academy of Advanced Football Terms, it’s time to matriculate.
The basics — “put the ball on the ground” (fumble), “leverage the linebackers” (get open), “going vertical” and “high-pointing the football” (jumping), “running downhill” (running forward) and “throwing vertically” (throwing downfield, not straight up) — have been taught.
Apparently, though, there is no one at NBC or NFL Network inclined to instruct Mayock to cool it, cease giving lectures after every play, and to speak less while speaking more plain football English.
Then there’s football on ESPN, where analysts are hired for their ability to breathe while speaking, thus they never have to cease talking in order to survive.
ESPN is where a standard play-fake rollout TD throw quickly is identified by Jon Gruden as the “spider-two Y banana” — cousin to “the old Tampa-2.”
If only Gruden spoke like W.C. Fields, we’d have killer comedy: “Yesss, the ole Tampa-2, remember it well.”
Anyhoo, what Jesse Palmer was allowed to do — or instructed to do, or hired to do — to the Miami-North Carolina Student-Athlete ESPN Thursday Night Game of the Week roughly was what an unattended 15-month-old would do to a large bowl of chocolate pudding.
Palmer never was lost for words, doubly so when there was nothing to say. He sagely diagnosed Miami’s comeback as a severe case of the UNC offense’s inability “to stay on the field” and its failure to “make plays.”
Cut to the sideline, where UNC’s coach rallies his offense: “Stay on the field! … And while you’re out there, make some plays!”
From what we hear, UNC coach Larry Fedora ordered his offense to “Move the chains!” — but was told to move them himself.
UNC, rather than its traditional “Carolina Blue” and white uniforms for a night game, wore Nike black uniforms for ESPN. No better way WRs to hide from the QB.
Anyway, with MLB’s postseason in its third of four layers, FOX’s Joe Buck, during Red Sox-Tigers on Tuesday, told us that what Dodgers pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu did the night before — became the fourth Dodger to allow three or fewer hits in seven innings of a postseason game — places him “on a list with Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale and Orel Hershiser.”
Tim McCarver seconded that emotion.
That Koufax, Drysdale and Hershiser, unlike Ryu, did so in World Series games … ah, what difference does it make? Preseason, regular season, postseason, World Series — they’re all games, right?
Did you know that Alex Rodriguez has 10 more postseason doubles than Mickey Mantle? Yep. You can look it up!
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Johnson brought no Magic to studio
Magic Johnson has been let go as ESPN/ABC NBA studio analyst. And that’s the standard, logical end to standard TV senselessness.
TV can’t help itself. At great cost and with great fanfare, it hires superstars. Whether the guy or gal has communicative skills or can even occasionally make a good point becomes a matter of perhaps — something to find out later and often too late.
Johnson was pleasant, but added little. He often was a drain on space and time.
But TV has been hiring the Magic Johnsons for 60 years: Joe Montana, Emmitt Smith, Joe Namath, O.J. Simpson, Joe Morgan. CBS Radio even decided to both minimize and “improve” Vin Scully by adding Johnny Bench to Scully’s World Series broadcasts.
And there are many, many more to come.
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Mike Francesa — who pronounced Caldwell, as in football coach Jim Caldwell, “Cardwell,” and pitcher Doug Fister as “Firster,” among other botched pronunciations — last week trashed a caller for mispronouncing “Coughlin,” as in Tom.
Friday, Francesa disgustedly declared he’s going to “go around the [NFL] now, because I can’t take the callers, anymore.” SOS — shortage of sycophants.
Three weeks ago, in a lengthy, soulful self-defense, he said, “There’s a way people should be treated, and that’s incredibly important to me.”
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Bloggers flip out on coach
Steelers coach Mike Tomlin has told his RBs and receivers to cut it out, cease somersaulting into the end zone. Tomlin figures such a ban on showboating is to prevent injuries — you know, from preventing them from snapping their spines. Of course, Tomlin immediately was ridiculed by bloggers and such for trying to take the “fun” out of the game. Welcome to my world, Coach.
Funny to hear MLB Network studio panelists call for Don Mattingly to bench injured Hanley Ramirez because “he can’t run.” Never heard anyone on TV suggest Joe Girardi bench Robinson Cano because “he doesn’t run.”
Now that President Obama recognizes “Redskins” is an offensive name, perhaps he’ll check in on what his campaign contributor, co-campaigner and Inauguration Day special guest Jay Z very publicly and commercially calls black men and young women.
Those strained, unfunny and redundant Saturday ho-ho exchanges between Lou Holtz and Mark May from an ESPN college football studio have become viewer out-cues. Holtz though, does come prepared to read stats from an earlier game, as well as noting who the schools play next week.
Reader Mike Seid: “I’m waiting for New Era to make caps with the bill crooked when you buy it.”