It’s every New York parent’s worst nightmare — another deadly terrorist attack in the city. To make matters worse, Tuesday’s incident took place near three NYC schools: Stuyvesant High School, PS 89 and PS 234, in a neighborhood that knows terrorism far too well. Though the students there are too young to remember the 9/11 attacks or the 1993 bombing at the World Trade Center, their parents will easily recall the horror while, at the same time, facing a more complicated question: How do you talk to your kids about what happened?
It can be tempting to spare children from dealing with the turmoil and avoid saying anything at all. After all, how do you even mention such senseless violence to a child? But skirting the subject does kids a disservice. They’re likely to hear about it one way or another, especially if kids witnessed or were hurt by an attack, as happened this week. And without information from you, they may draw an inaccurate conclusion like, “My parents think I’m too fragile to talk about what happened.”
In my 15 years as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen thousands of children in my office. I’ve witnessed how shielding kids from painful realities — both big and small — doesn’t do them any favors.
Providing age-appropriate facts and plenty of support can turn a tragic incident like this into an opportunity for kids to learn how to cope when bad things happen.
As a college instructor, I’ve also seen how shielding kids from pain backfires. When sheltered kids leave the nest, many of them crumble, putting them at a big disadvantage. While their peers are able to devote efforts to their schoolwork, students who lack distress-tolerance skills waste the bulk of their energy just trying to cope with everyday life. They melt down when they take a tough quiz. Or they miss classes because they’re feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, many of them quit school mid-semester because they can’t cope with the emotional turmoil.
Parents are quick to rescue children from any type of emotional pain. If kids are so much as bored, just 33 percent of parents let them figure it out on their own, according to a Harris Poll in August. (Only 21 percent strongly agree that it’s good for children to be bored now and then, the poll said.)
When sheltered kids leave the nest, many of them crumble
But pain is a fact of life. Research cited in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual states that three out of every four people will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. That’s referring to serious trauma, like a near-death experience or abuse. That doesn’t include other painful experiences, like the loss of loved ones or a divorce. Learning how to deal with pain is an essential life skill.
In fact, kids who learn how to cope early on in life may experience some surprising benefits later on. A 2016 study conducted at Kent State University showed that young adults who grew up in tough circumstances — like dealing with a parent with chronic physical pain — can find those events constructive in later years.
Researchers discovered that past emotional pain helped the subjects in several ways. The young adults reported being more empathetic and having a better understanding of the world. They also reported more compassion, forgiveness, determination and motivation because of their experience. Additionally, they had learned important practical life skills, were more committed to taking care of their health and had essential coping skills to get them through tough times. The participants felt as though their painful childhood experiences had ultimately enhanced their lives.
This is not to say you should tell your children about tragedies to toughen them up. But it does mean you should look for ways to tell kids about tragic events. Talking to them openly about some of the realities of the world is one way to help them learn the skills they need to thrive. You don’t need to give the gory details of what happened. In fact, you should limit kids’ media exposure and only give simple answers about the event.
For young children, a simple explanation like, “A bad person chose to hurt some people” may suffice. Your child may have questions about why someone would do such a thing. It’s OK to say you don’t know. Older children can handle a more detailed response about what happened. Emphasize the steps officials are taking to keep people safe by saying things like, “There are a lot of police officers working hard to protect us from bad people.”
It’s OK to tell teenagers about the political and religious motives that may spur terrorism, while being careful not to spur stereotypes or prejudice. Assist in finding specific strategies that help them cope with their discomfort. While one child may enjoy writing in a journal, another might find going for a walk helps her manage her emotions.
Mentally strong parents don’t shield kids from pain. So if you’re struggling to help your children turn their struggles into strength, work on building your own mental muscle. Mentally strong parents raise mentally strong kids.
Amy Morin is the author of “13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do” (William Morrow), out now.