Actor/comedian Michael Rapaport was once a fixture on the Garden’s celebrity row, but now may have to think twice before asking for front-row comps.
In his soon-to-be-released book, “This Book has Balls,” the lifelong Knicks diehard and New York native viciously attacks owner James Dolan, even making fun of his singing the blues. Rapaport takes aim at multiple sports figures, even dedicating a chapter on why NBA legend Bill Russell is overrated, but he saved his biggest punches for Dolan.
Of all the mistakes that have led to the Knicks failing to win a title since 1973, Rapaport is most offended by Charles Oakley’s Garden arrest last season and the firing of Knicks broadcasting legend Marv Albert.
“We all wanna go up to Dolan and say “What the f–k have you done?,’’ Rapaport writes. “You have taken the New York Knicks and turned us into a f–king joke since you got this building and team handed to you by your father and you have ruined it, you f–k, you! Take your s–t blues band and beat it, you spoiled little rich pr–k. And do yourself a favor and shave that funky-ass beard. You look ridiculous.’’
Dolan could not be reached for comment, but an MSG spokesman said in a statement:
“Mr. Dolan doesn’t know Mr. Rapaport, but clearly he’s not a friend.”
Rapaport was horrified by Oakley’s arrest, though there were misreports the former Knicks enforcer was hurling invectives at Dolan. The Garden had revealed Oakley was approached because of cursing at security guards staring at him as he sat rows behind the eccentric owner.
“I thought you had soul,’’ Rapaport wrote. “I thought you understood loyalty. I thought you were in a blues band. What the hell, man. What’s the name of the band you’re in? Is it the ‘Billionaire Blues Players of Madison Avenue?’ What are you even singing about, the sadness of chicken overcooked by a personal chef. The angry nanny who wouldn’t do what you asked?
“We stand by our team through thick and thin because it’s in our blood but you’re making it really f–king difficult. Maybe you don’t give a damn since games are sold out no matter who’s on the court or what the team plays like.”
Knicks fans are speculating online that Rapaport, who wasn’t seen on celebrity row last season, could be banned from The Garden, thanks to the book. Oakley got banned by Dolan after the arrest and partial season-ticket holder Mike Hamersky was not permitted to renew after an incident in which he heckled the bearded owner to sell the team.
In one bizarre chapter, Rapaport fictionalizes a courtroom scene in which former team president Phil Jackson is appealing his summer divorce from the Knicks in “Phil Jackson vs. the city of New York.” Rapaport plays the prosecutor.
“There is no option here other than to keep Phil Jackson out of the great city of New York and away from the Knicks and I’m here today to say we want him far away from the city,” the actor argues. “Let Phil Jackson go back to his happy place, where he can meditate, relax and nibble on some peyote or go to Peru, where Ayahuasca is all the rage.’’
On further cross examination, Rapaport asks: “Are you on mushrooms, Phil?.’’
“No one understood the f–king offense. It didn’t work here. It’s like you were trying to teach trigonometry. Phil, no one gets the mystical ‘all for one, one for all, everyone has to touch the ball before shooting it’ offense. It’s over, Phil. This ain’t Chicago and [Michael] Jordan ain’t here. The triangle offense should be banished. How can you run an offense that you yourself have forgotten?”
There were praiseworthy passages about the Garden’s aura, however, noting it as the only original arena left in the NBA, built in 1969 in its present habitat.
“No building can ever touch the world’s most famous arena,” Rapaport said.
Lavar Ball, Lonzo’s father, also becomes a target in the book for his outlandish boasts.
“I don’t give a damn if Jordan gained 40 more pounds and lived on Big Macs: you couldn’t beat Michael Jordan,’’ Rapaport pens. “The one and only video of you playing ball looks like you hired a casting director to line up the players against you.
“Believe me, my sources let me know there are players in the NBA just waiting for your kid to get into the league so they can welcome him with open arms and pick and rolls to put him on his ass because of your antics.’’
In one chapter dedicated solely to shredding Patriots lord Bill Belichick, Rapaport writes:
“Why do you have to show up looking like you just escaped a methadone clinic. You’re on the sidelines dressed in that dingy cut-off sweatshirt that appears to have been ripped from a puppy’s mouth.”
Rapaport’s book, published by Touchstone Books, will be released on Oct. 24.