Still using Facebook for all your romantic-life declarations?
Here are the new social media rules for announcing hookups, breakups and everything in between.
Meeting
After you both swipe right on Tinder, you plan to meet up, but first it’s time for research. Look at each other’s Twitter feeds to know where their head is at, then look at their Instagram pictures to see what their face really looks like.
Early dates
You like them — you really like them — and you go online to flirt. On Instagram you like every single picture they post, from their morning duck-face selfie to the cliché sunset photo. On Twitter, you subtweet each other — tweeting about them without typing their @name — leaving your followers in suspense every time you tweet about “him” or “she.”
Seriously dating
You’re in a committed relationship and you let the world know — not by changing your Facebook relationship status but by posting pics of the two of you together on Instagram. You’re just a couple of crazy kids in love taking duck-face selfies together. You two are also now Facebook friends, but no relationship status update until rings are on fingers.
Moving in together
Things are progressing! Time to tweet about your upcoming move, then Instagram adorable pics of your moving day and home improvement projects.
Engagement
Big news merits a big, old-fashioned Facebook post — with a ring pic, of course — so that even your parents and great aunts will see the news. Don’t forget to InstaVid the moment the question was popped.
Wedding planning
It’s time to plan the wedding of your dreams — and get a Pinterest account, so that you can share ideas on bouquets and table settings with the world.
The big day
If it’s not on Instagram, it didn’t happen. Make sure all of your guests document the day on the platform and let them know about the hashtag — #somecutecombinationofyournames — on the wedding program.
The morning after the wedding, change your Facebook status to “Married” — and add your new last name, if applicable — as soon as the wedding confetti settles, so that Zuckerberg and Co. can better target you with ads.
If you’re feeling extra cheesy, add a line on your Twitter bio that says “Happily married to @yourspouse.” Ah, love…
Engagment called off/divorce
On your therapist’s recommendation, you go on a social media fast because you’re a ticking time bomb of emotions liable to spill your guts on every outlet.
After you’ve healed a bit, return to Instagram and Facebook and start posting pics of your fabulous single life with all of your fabulous friends.
Bad first date
Go to Twitter and tell all the followers why your date sucked, pepper it with LOLs so everyone knows you’re not really upset.