Bus your way into Mount Pocono down anorexic Pennsylvania Route 611 — Martz is ridin’ around and gettin’ it — and you’ll swear the official sports ’round these parts must be antiquing, fireworks and sex-toy proliferation.
But enter the frenzied ding-a-ding-dinging, slot-machined floors of Mount Airy Casino Resort and you’ll discover the area’s true talent: helping senior citizens spend their Social Security checks (walkers and wheelchairs be damned!).
That said, the golfer-on-the-go mecca, shining bright like four AAA diamonds, is hoping to rebrand its image into that of a hipper, non-AARP-carded kind of a place, with big-name restaurants, DJs, comedians and an all-new pool club.
Whatever the Poconos’ cheese-factor — and marone, it can curdle up pretty dang good here — the region is safer, prettier, quicker to get to and just downright cheerier than Atlantic City.
Is it just pure coincidence that with all the strides Pennsylvania is making to sex up its gaming scene, AC continues to hemorrhage?
Hey, we don’t know nuthin’ — but here are four ways Mount Airy is killin’ it.
Just add water
A warren of Playboy Playmates even christened the place back in May. It can skew a little d-baggy on the weekends — it is a pool club inside a casino, after all. But ask any seasoned Vegas pool club-goer: That’s just the price of doing business.
Pro tip: Every Lord’s Day, while all those other suckers are in church, the complex hosts Get Wet Sunday parties, featuring an alternating carousel of DJs and entertainers.
Dessert storm
If you notice Poconos-area dentists mobbing around in brand-new Maybachs, it’s because Mount Airy has just opened two new sugar dispensaries.
Red Mango will fulfill all your fro-yo needs, whatever your radical dietary persuasion: all-natural, non- or low-fat, non-superfood, probiotic, kosher, certified gluten-free. Or, if you’re fiending for some home-grown Tumbador Chocolate, the casino’s new Nostalgia candy store has your fix. Your lucky nose can pretty much smell their caramels, hard candies, truffles, brittles and hedgehogs from down the street.
Both spots make excellent chasers to the pork sliders at Guy Fieri’s.
Giggle maps
Once you burn through your daughter’s college savings at the pai gow poker table, resort-casinos can become a little — how you say? — dull. Not so fast, says whoever the chap is who’s booking Mount Airy’s comedic entertainment.
Coming in the weeks ahead are roastrix and Howard Stern show regular Lisa Lampanelli (Sept. 13), followed by D.L. Hughley (Oct. 25) and Ralphie May (Dec. 6). The lady-luring Thunder From Down Under, a shirt-deficient Aussie male revue, will be on hand every Friday and Saturday through the end of the month.
And turn-of-the-century metal heads too can enjoy a little throwback action with Godsmack on Aug. 23.
Here’s the rub
What separates spa tables from the riffraff of civilian tables? Face donuts — maybe the most coveted donut of them all.
Plant yours on one here at their 16,000-square-foot hybrid spa/salon/exercise facility on a Thursday, any Thursday, and get 10 percent off. Over at the salon, they’re offering a few end-of-summer specials: All wash-and-styles are 15 percent off, and if you forgot to go out in the sun this summer, just cheat and get a spray tan. Buy two, get the third free, through August — your secret’s safe with them.
Info: From $129, mountairycasino.com