The Mommy Wars may be a largely exaggerated creature of the media (shakes fist at own industry), but there’s no denying that parenting — and mostly, mothering — can still be a lot like junior high.
You’ve got a bunch of people, insecure about parenting, wanting to make sure they’re raising decent human beings, looking for a guarantee, for reassurance, sometimes quick, in a weak moment, to snipe and judge.
We are two sides of a coin, stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) and working moms, often seeing in the other a direct rebuke even where there is none.
And then there are those other times.
When there is a whole lot of rebukin’ going on.
A few weeks ago, I was emailing with a good friend who is a stay-at-home mom. “When you talk to working mothers, are they ever condescending to you?” I asked.
Yes, as it turns out. Yes, they were.
Were they making mean comments and making her feel like a loser?
Indeed, they were.
“To be honest with you, I’ve decided not to hang out with many moms who work full time,” she wrote back. “All they do is complain.”
Wow!
That was not the answer I was expecting.
Apparently all is not totally quiet on the SAHM-and-working mom front.
So that’s why I’m proposing a truce with the following conditions.
Here are the top seven things you should never say to a stay-at-home mom (unless you are jonesing for a fight, in which case, carry this around as a how-to guide for opening up a big ol’ can of SAHM whoop-ass).
“So what do you DO all day?”
Huh. On a given day, a stay-at-home mom is most likely dressing her children, cooking, feeding them (if she has a toddler, wiping a steamed-carrot crime scene off the walls), dropping them off at school (if they are school-age) and eating lunch standing up at the kitchen counter; doing a bit of cleaning, grocery shopping, vacuuming, picking up the kids, driving them to lessons or after-school activities.
Then there’s making them dinner, negotiating with them when they refuse to eat dinner, helping them with homework and putting them to bed. If her kids are too young for school, she is most likely trying to figure out ways to keep them occupied from about 6 in the morning until 7 or 8 at night. That’s a 14-hour day with breaks only during naptime, and even that’s no guarantee.
“I think it’s important for my kids to have a mother who works.”
A valid point and totally fine to say to other working moms, but not to a SAHM.
Because what you’re implying is that by not working outside the home, she’s a loser who is setting a bad example for her children and letting down Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan and all women everywhere, to boot. This is the verbal equivalent of brass knuckles.
“Must be relaxing.”
Yes, about as relaxing as having young children can be (see: “14-hour days with no guaranteed downtime” above).
The bonbon-eating stereotype of the SAHM is getting old, and while it’s true that a miniscule sliver of the SAHM population fits the tennis-playing, nanny-having, envy-inducing stereotype, it’s not the reality for most.
“You’re so LUCKY to be able to stay at home.”
Mothers choose to stay at home for many different reasons. For many women who aren’t earning six-figure salaries, it’s because the cost of child care in many areas of the country effectively cancels out the paycheck they would have earned. Others might have opted out of the work force due to demanding office hours without any option of flexibility.
Or they might stay at home because they want to, can afford to, and they think it’s the best option for their family. Luck might certainly play a part in it, but most of it comes down to money and circumstance.
“What happens if you get divorced?”
Look, I don’t think most mothers decide to stay at home for the mad cash and sweet stock options. It’s not a perfect arrangement by any means, and it’s a situation that certainly carries with it some financial risk.
Besides a drop in pay should the mother go back to work, more divorce judges are electing not to award lifetime alimony to mothers who stay at home, instead opting for a provisional, short-term alimony arrangement. Chances are, the mom you’re talking to is aware of this.
That doesn’t mean it’s a cool thing to say.
“I’d lose my mind, I’d go so crazy.”
Very few people would say that taking care of a young child is 24-7 scintillation, and if they did, I would think those people were lying. Yes, there are definitely going to be those days when you’re at the end of your rope, frankly amazed at how long 15 minutes can last.
Like all situations, it has its upsides and downsides — pointing them out in this manner is going to automatically put the SAHM on the defensive.
“My nanny just bailed on me. Could I drop my kids off with you?”
Unless this SAHM is a family member or an extremely close friend, I wouldn’t go there. A SAHM is not a day-care center. She has child-care problems to sort out — with her own kids. I’m all for moms helping out other moms, but this is a bridge too far.
I was all set to list various lines you could use instead when chatting with a SAHM — “Instead of this, say this!” — but really I think it just boils down to listening. Try listening to a SAHM describe her day without jumping in with a “MUST BE NICE” — possibly the most passive-aggressive line ever uttered — and the conversation won’t automatically escalate to an aggressive place.
Working moms, don’t worry, this truce goes both ways — we’ll do “Stuff Not to Say to a Working Mom” in a few weeks!