I’ll admit it: I have not always been the perfect wedding guest. Sometimes I’ve been a downright disaster. But let she who has been the faultless wedding attendee cast the first stone! After all, weddings are some of the most emotionally charged moments we experience, whether we’re the ones getting married or not: We dress up, get photographed, weep, laugh, hug and toast. Inevitably, we re-evaluate our own lives, including current romantic situations, against those of the marrying couples. This results in feelings — and feelings, paired with an open bar, can result in wedding disasters. Here are five of mine which are recounted in my new memoir, “Save the Date: The Occasional Mortifications of a Serial Wedding Guest,” which comes out Thursday.
1. The off-limits guy. At a wedding pre-party on the Jersey Shore in my early 30s, I hit it off with a man who was there alone, just like I was. The sparks were flying! Later that night, we were in my hotel room, making out, when he confessed he was married. I put a stop to our hookup, but for the rest of the wedding, I felt like the other woman. I avoided him as much as possible and eventually sought solace in another man (this one, fortunately, unattached). To prevent such moments, do a “marital status” check before bringing anyone home.
2. The wrong date. When all of your friends are paired off and you are still single, sometimes you throw caution to the wind and invite any old date as your plus-one — perhaps a guy you’ve been seeing for a very short time and don’t really know all that well. Just make sure the guy won’t sport black jeans to a wedding at which the other guests are in their finest evening wear.
3. The dress-code violation. It’s in the handbook women are issued at birth: Do not get into cars with strange men, do not wear pantyhose with open-toed shoes, DO NOT WEAR A WHITE DRESS TO A WEDDING. In my defense, the one I wore to a beach ceremony on Cape Cod when I was 28 had a purple sash and bright floral embroidery. In my further defense, I’ve read such dresses are entirely acceptable at contemporary events. However, I’ve been known to wear white pants before Memorial Day, so follow my lead at your own risk.
4. The gift faux-pas. If you’re regifting a bowl you got for free, do not tell the bride. (Even if it is a very nice bowl.) Although she laughed it off, she may secretly think I’m a cheapskate.
5. The rock-bottom wedding. I’d like to say I was temporarily possessed by demons who forced me to throw my shoes down the road upon being told to leave a wedding after-party in Connecticut when I was 33 — plenty old enough to know better — but it was all me (and the many tequila shots I’d imbibed).
One of my greatest wedding-going lessons, though, is that mortifications can be mitigated. Admit your mistakes, apologize, make amends in whatever way you can — and make sure you never do it again. On the plus side, every so often, a mishap at a wedding makes for a really good story. And, if you’re lucky, maybe even a book.