Mackenzie Dawson

Mackenzie Dawson

Parenting

Stay-at-home dad: ‘Other men are envious of me’

I know I tend to talk about mothers a lot. I’m all “moms” this and “moms” that. Even the name of my column, “Motherland,” would indicate a somewhat exclusive focus on moms. But really, I’m all about the dads as well — and you have to admit, a column named “Fatherland” would have been really creepy.

I’m especially interested in stay-at-home dads (SAHDs), a group that has gotten a lot of attention in recent years because of their growing numbers (about 1.4 million, according to an estimate by Beth Latshaw, Ph.D., at Appalachian State University) and what their emergence says about our society (good things, in my opinion, though I’m sure there are plenty of people on the Internet who would beg to differ).

I chatted with one Jersey City stay-at-home-dad, Dave Lesser, 35, to ask him about his daily grind, naptime, and whether he and the other stay-at-home dads sit around talking about Kate Upton during playdates. (I’m not sure why, but I was convinced that they did.) He and his wife have a daughter, 5, and a son, 2.

So you’re a stay-at-home dad. What did you do before you had kids?

I was a lawyer, but I hated it. I was fairly certain I’d made a mistake halfway through my first year of law school, but didn’t think “failing” or dropping out was an option. No harm done . . . you know, other than the crippling debt. I left the law job and tried raising money for a private school. Although I enjoyed aspects of that job, event planning (a major part of it) was way out of my wheelhouse.

What does your wife do?

She’s a fund-raiser for a lobbying group. She’s also a non-practicing attorney, but it’s working out pretty well for her.

Can you talk a little about the decision to become a SAHD?

When my wife, Allie, and I were in college, we used to joke that she’d make the money and I’d stay home with the kids. Ha, ha. Guess it wasn’t a joke! When she was pregnant with our first (we have two), I lost my job at the private school. It worked out, because I knew it wasn’t really for me, Allie made more money than I did, and we both wanted someone to stay home with the kids. I have two younger brothers, one of whom is 10 years younger, and I was always a camp counselor and even an occasional substitute teacher, so I was fairly comfortable in the stay-at-home position.

Please describe a “normal” day with your kids, taking into account that we are both parents here, and we know that there is no such thing.

The summer months have been interesting, because they are both home. All. The. Time. We didn’t do a camp, because it’s just too expensive. If I’m going to stay home, we have to cut costs. Jersey City has a free daily tennis clinic for kids 5 and older from 9 to 11 every day, so I take advantage of that for my daughter, Penny. It’s not a drop-off, so I have to entertain my son, Simon, around the premises for two hours. Not easy, when all he wants to do is hang out with his big sis. After that it’s lunch and a nap for Simon.

After Simon wakes up, we head to a playground and/or ride scooters and bicycles. We come home and I plop them down in front of the TV so I can make something for dinner. After Allie gets home and we all eat, we hang out either inside or outside, then (maybe) give the kids a bath, read stories and finally bedtime. After I have a beer or two and we catch up on each other’s days, do a little cleaning and watch some dumb half-hour comedy, Allie and I go to the F to sleep.

Is there ever any SAHM/SAHD sexual tension on playdates? I know everyone is exhausted and overwhelmed and has young kids, which obviously makes for a very sexy time, but at the end of the day, we’re still men and women.

Not that I know of, but I tend to be a little oblivious. I’ve been married to my wife for eight years and we were together for eight years before that. My radar is more than a little rusty.

What kinds of responses have you gotten from other dudes when you tell them you’re a SAHD? Are they like, “That’s cool” or are they like, “Wow, you are not a man”?

It’s run the gamut. One of my dad’s friends called me a baby sitter, but he’s always been kind of a schmuck. Many guys have expressed jealousy. Others have said that they couldn’t do it, though sometimes that’s said with a bit of “BECAUSE I’M A GUY” in their voice. I’d say most people give me a nonplussed “That’s cool” and then the conversation moves on.

Stay-at-home Dave takes care of the tots, while wife Allie is away at work.Dave Lesser

Do you hang out with other SAHDs?

Yeah, it’s great. Technically, most of us are members of the NYC Dads Group. We’re the unofficial Jersey City annex, and a bunch of our kids have grown up together since they were babies. For a time, I was a member of a mom group. They were very accepting and I have no complaints, but it just wasn’t the same as hanging out with other guys.

These days, we have one weekly meet-up at a beer hall. Where else? It’s very kid-friendly (at least one mom group meets there, too). We also hang out together at local playgrounds and sometimes have dads-only nights, usually bowling.

Do you guys get together and complain about your wives like women like to do when they get together, or do you all just talk about Kate Upton? I’m really full of boring gender stereotypes today, aren’t I?

Ha. There’s some bitching about wives, though probably a lot less than you might expect. I don’t remember Kate Upton being discussed, but there is some sex talk. A few of the guys do most of the talking, but it’s always a highly amusing part of any get-together.

It seems like a study comes out about every other Thursday citing the perils of staying at home for women, in terms of lost income, the difficulty of getting back into the job market, yada yada. Do you ever have those concerns for yourself?

I do. And, although my family has been supportive of my choice, that has been their concern as well. Right now, my wife and I are doing OK. I know I don’t want to go back to law or a job I hate. Although it’s still mainly a hobby, I’ve enjoyed writing a blog and have been fortunate enough to be published in Time Ideas, the Huffington Post, the Good Men Project, Role Reboot, NJ Parents, and other online publications. (Not-so-humble brag.)

What do you think moms could learn from dads?

Dads tend to be more physical with the kids. I think moms can learn that their kids are actually pretty damn tough. They’re not made of glass and they’re not going to shatter. Sometimes the best thing for kids is falling and realizing that they can get back up. Of course, parents should always be there to help and support them.

The dad blogger community has exploded alongside the mom blogger world. Who are your fave mom and dad bloggers?

Damn you! I’ll answer, but only under duress. My favorite mom bloggers, or at least the ones that immediately come to mind, are Shuggilippo, the Bloggess and Honest Toddler. They all have hilariously skewed senses of humor. Right now, my favorite dad bloggers are Ask Your Dad, How To Be a Dad and Daddy Files. I’m part of an amazing Dad Blogger group on Facebook, so the answer to this one changes almost daily. So many dudes are putting out such great content, it’s hard to keep up.

What’s the best thing about being a SAHD?

The best thing is being there for every moment. My baby girl is 5! How’d that happen? Watching the interaction between her and her brother, and imagining how that is going to develop over the years, is an absolute gift.

And the worst?

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose it. I want to kill them. They’re driving me crazy! Why do they always want to play with the same toy at the same time, when there are 15,000 other options in the room and more upstairs!?! You know, that kind of thing.

And of course, the all-important question: What do you do during The Best Part of the Day, i.e., naptime?

My oldest doesn’t nap, so I don’t get the full benefit. It is a lot quieter around here at the time, though. My wife and I have been trying to push bedtime earlier and earlier. It’s tough to do during the summer, and I think the kids are on to us.

Dave Lesser is a regular contributor to Time Ideas, the Huffington Post, the Good Men Project, Role Reboot and NJ Family, and blogs at amateuridiotprofessionaldad.com. Follow him on Twitter @AmateurIdiot and on Facebook.