Without problems, what would solutions do all day? Sit by the pool? Go clubbing? So let’s pitch in, see if we can provide some problems with solutions:
1. Those NCAA and NFL initiatives to reduce the high incidence of concussions and all life-diminishing head trauma among football players, should be extended to include the wives, child mothers, girlfriends and one-nighters who have their heads bashed in by the football players in their company.
It’s epidemic. A football player of some note — often an extra-large current or former college man — is arrested for brutalizing a woman, unless a football fanatic police officer would otherwise blame the steps she was thrown down.
How better to ensure the aftercare of these victims than to enter them into the head trauma research programs and provide them a cut of legal payouts?
On Tuesday, 6-foot-4, 340-pound Georgia lineman Jonathan Taylor was charged with choking and punching his girlfriend. The police further reported the assault occurred on campus and in a dorm, both now common sites for violence by student-athletes against young women.
But such stories have become a dime-a-recruiting-class, haven’t they?
Speaking of cheap, would ESPN exploit such horror stories for irrelevant self-promotion? Shoot, ESPN would barge in on Sunday brunch at the Barge Inn.
At the close of ESPN’s report on Taylor’s arrest — he was subsequently tossed off the team — we learned that “he was the No. 53 prospect in the ESPN 150.”
2. How do you solve a problem like Maria? That’s the von Trapp family’s problem. Let’s work on Mike Francesa.
On Tuesday, Francesa threatened to surpass his previous standards for pompous, imperious conduct when he suddenly dumped a caller, “John,” to conduct his regular session with “Cash,” known to the serfs in the Kingdom of Francesspool as Yankees general manager Brian Cashman.
Cashman’s first words were classy, likely intended to do what Francesa should have done: Cashman apologized to John for his sudden dismissal.
To that, Francesa, as he only he would and could, said, “That’s okay, don’t worry about him.”
Such an arrogant, cold-hearted slap at his listeners — Francesa (dis)regards them all as John — didn’t quite fit his soulful, on-air self-evaluation, last September:
“I’ve always done a classy show. There’s a way people should be treated, and that’s incredibly important to me.”
Yes, there is an important way people should be treated — it’s the way he (mis)treats them, as a matter of self-importance.
Hmm. Lemme think … Wait a second. Why not just stop calling!?
Not a boycott, but as a matter of self-determination and self-respect. Why wait on hold, thank him “for taking my call,” speak some secondary homage — “love the show” — only to be treated like what flies out of the back of garbage trucks?
He can’t abuse callers if there are none. Of course, if there were no more callers, “Let’s Be Honest” could explain, “I don’t take calls, anymore” — failing to add, “because I don’t get any.”
3. How do we determine the truth from everything less, including a lie?
Last week, it seemed as if the instant the Yankees announced a Sept. 7 tribute game to Derek Jeter, tickets to that game had just as instantly sold out and just as instantly were in the hands of the Yankees’ official ticket-scalper, Ticketmaster.
Responding to logical, empirical suspicions as Ticketmaster instantly multiplied the face value of its tickets to the game, the Yankees announced that those tickets wound up on the “secondary” market — in Ticketmaster’s hands — all by themselves. Thus, the public should at least think that there’s nothing in this for the Yankees.
Well, if that’s the case, did Ticketmaster have an inside track? Did the Yankees issue an early alert to their business partner and ticket broker? How did all those tickets become Ticketmaster’s in the time it takes to hit “send”?
Beyond that, if the Yankees had nothing to do with it — if the tickets were out of their hands, if they had no horse in this race, if there’s no cut in it for them — why did the Yankees’ website instantly become headquarters for the purchase of Ticketmaster’s jacked-up game tickets?
So many instant coincidences!
It’s worth remembering the Yankees think the public is so stupid that they explained the regular emptiness of all those expensive good seats as having been purchased by those who then choose to travel to Yankee Stadium in order to watch the games on TVs inside the luxury restaurant.
Rather than continue to fuel such reasonable doubts, the Yankees, if they in fact have nothing to hide, should reveal their full, contracted relationship with Ticketmaster, starting with whether they get a cut — and how much — of Ticketmaster’s sales to the Jeter Game.
Mayor Bill de Blasio, man of the little, economically disenfranchised folks, could and should insist upon such documented truth.
4. Some problems we could solve through the routine adoption of a Three Stooges routine, the “When I nod my head, you hit it” bit.
Yankees radio, for example, is a reliable stop to have your head hammered. Tuesday, with two out and no score in the bottom of the sixth at Yankee Stadium, John Sterling complimented the pitching of Yankees starter Chase Whitley.
To that, Suzyn Waldman said, “To tell you the truth, he’s had an easy time of it.”
Huh? Wasn’t that the point? He might have pitched better had he not pitched as well? The Rangers made it easy on him or took it easy on him? If only they had hit him harder, we could better gauge how well he was pitching!
That leads to another problem. Many of us do most of our Yankees radio listening while in the car. While driving. That’s up there with driving while texting, driving while blindfolded and driving while cutting a steak. Additionally, passengers are at risk of being driven crazy.
So, porcupine, just hit the “off” button or change the station. Hey, Moe, problem solved!
I’m always happy to help. In this world there are givers and takers. Usually, I’m a taker, a proud taker, too. Without takers, to whom would givers give? Few are more unselfish — more giving — than we takers.