10 lessons learned from this summer’s movies

With Labor Day upon us, the summer movie season of spectacle, sex and superheroes draws to a close. Let’s now take a look back at the great lessons we’ve learned from these movies, shall we?

Warning: Spoilers ahead

‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’

Did the first film in this rebooted series teach us nothing? Do not trust apes. They are too much like humans, and they could totally rise up against us.It is best that we keep them all locked up, both for their safety and ours.

Actually, to be safe, we should go ahead and remove all apes from the wild and put them in zoos.

‘Lucy’

In “Lucy,” drugs empowered Scarlett Johansson to use far more of her brain than the 10 percent that legend says we use. As a result, she became some kind of esoteric black CGI thing. The take-away is clear: We’re all better off dumb.

‘Maleficent’

If you are a princess, befriend the villain who is trying to kill you. This will greatly increase your chances of not being stuck in a coma for all eternity.

‘Sex Tape’

Do not make a sex tape.

‘Guardians of the Galaxy’

If you’re about to die in a spaceship crash, just do as Groot did, and go in for a really big hug with the ones you love. Hugs are magical, and they save lives. Ebola scientists should really look into hugs.

‘Neighbors’

Do not move into a house close enough to a college campus that a fraternity might move in next door. Though, this seems pretty straightforward, Seth Rogen.

‘The Amazing Spider-Man 2’

When rescuing someone who’s falling from a great height, make sure your rescue does not involve any sudden, jerky movements — that person’s neck could snap, and then you have to think about that moment for the rest of your life.

’22 Jump Street’

When starting a new job, research what your boss’ college-age daughter looks like. Then, do not have sex with her.

‘Snowpiercer’

If the world is ending, you are poor, and your only chance of survival is getting on a very scary train that will never stop running in an endless loop around the world — choose death instead.

‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Walking out on your husband and young child is totally fine if you do it because you are really passionate about something else. Like dragons.