The Jewish world hasn’t been rocked by such intra-faith warfare since Cain and Abel.
It’s a battle of good versus evil, nice versus naughty — and only the truly studly will survive.
Until I heard about the rival calendar to my beloved “Nice Jewish Guys” standby, my concept of a “bad Jewish boy” was someone who defiantly calls his domineering mother every other day, in a break with tradition.
Yes, I’ve fantasized about atoning with Mr. October during the High Holidays for my transgressions with Mr. March.
But that’s what it is — pure fantasy.
The mythical creature otherwise known as the Nice Jewish Guy is a complete fabrication.
The seemingly lovable, curly-haired nebbish celebrated in the calendar could easily wind up being a shmuck. And just because a guy isn’t a doctor or a lawyer, that doesn’t mean he isn’t nice.
In real life, I’ve dated Nice Jewish Guys, but these former flames have run the gamut from a professional poker player to a game-show writer to a heat-packing FBI agent.
All of them were Jewish (yes, I checked), all of them nice guys — but none subscribed to the stale notion of some dithering schlub under the thumb (and skirt) of his domineering mother.
Once, at my mom’s urging, I managed to land myself the holy grail of providers: the highly coveted Jewish doctor.
But he wasn’t really a Nice Jewish Guy — even if he did look like a page ripped right out of the calendar.
Looking decidedly dorky shouldn’t presuppose high moral character.
But if the Nice Jewish Guys calendar feeds into a stale stereotype, its Naughty Jewish Boys counterpart is plain offensive — assuming Jewish guys need to strip in order to be taken seriously as sexy.
These naughty guys have such insecurities, neuroses and unhealthy attitudes about sexuality that they actually manage to make Woody Allen look issue-free.
Why do my mensches of the month have to fit into tidy calendar boxes? What I want is a nice Jewish guy — and if he’s got a naughty side, amen to that!