Dear Shark Week,
Your official motto is “Be careful what you fish for.”
That is some witty wordplay!
Were you aware that over 30 percent of shark species are endangered due to overfishing? Not as catchy, I know.
You, Shark Week, have been in existence since 1988. Sharks have been around for more than 400 million years! Advantage: sharks.
You were originally created to raise awareness about sharks and separate myth from fact. So let’s have a look at the lineup for this year and see how far you’ve advanced with that agenda.
“Sharkageddon” is a look at the spike in shark attacks in Hawaii. “Monster Hammerhead” is about a ginormous, mythological shark rumored to be in the vicinity of Florida’s shores. In “I Escaped Jaws 2,” shark attack survivors describe their encounters with the toothy beasts.
Look, we all love a crazy-scary shark story. The USS Indianapolis monologue from “Jaws” is one of my all-time favorite movie moments.
But “Jaws” also popularized shark hunting as a sport, thanks to its fearmongering about attacks.
Kind of like your shows do, Shark Week!
Only, if you accurately reflected the danger posed to one species by another, you’d be called “Human Week.” Statistically, 10 people die in shark attacks each year, while 100 million sharks are killed by us. Check out this handy infographic for a colorful breakdown.
Over 375 species of shark have been identified. Three percent of them are dangerous. That means 97 percent of shark species aren’t going to attack people.
Where’s your show on that figure, Shark Week?
And while we’re on the subject of sharks that weren’t bothering anybody, shark finning is, unbelievably, a still-popular practice in which fishermen cut the fins off still-living sharks and throw them back in the sea to die. It kills over 70 million sharks a year. How about a feature on that? Too gross? Yeah, you should probably just go with more grounded stuff like “Air Jaws: Fins of Fury,” instead.
Great whites, the supposed scourge of the ocean, are hardly the lifeless-eyed eating machines depicted in Quint’s epic “Jaws” speech (and, often, your shows). Researchers have found that they demonstrate coordination and cooperative behavior, learn quickly and share the spoils of a hunt.
“Sharks are intelligent, highly inquisitive creatures,” says a marine biologist on Smithsonian.com.
Sharks are amazing, not least because they’ve been around since before the damn dinosaurs.
Fun shark fact: They can warm up their own eyeballs when they’re swimming in freezing-cold water. Sometimes, lady sharks can grow baby sharks without any input from the male, a process called parthenogenesis. (I know, parthenogenesis doesn’t roll off the tongue like “Zombie Sharks” does).
Also, Shark Week, you got into a little trouble last year because your “documentary,” “Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives,” about a supposedly still-living prehistoric species of shark, was composed mostly of BS, which you revealed only in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it disclaimer at the show’s end.
This year, you’re not only re-airing it, but following it up with “Megalodon: The New Evidence,” which should get viewers newly terrified of this black-eyed monster prowling our seas.
It’s just the latest example of how far astray you’ve gone, Shark Week. Whose side are you on? Between you and “Sharknado,” our massively cool, ancient finned friends don’t stand a freaking chance against their supposed “victims”: humanity.