If there’s anyone who understands urban warfare — er, parenting — it’s Upper East Side native Pamela Weiler Grayson, who co-wrote with Alice Jankell the musical “Urban Momfare,” which debuts as part of the New York International Fringe Festival on Saturday.
Billed in publicity material as a “romp through motherhood” that spans 17 years on the Upper East Side — “Music for Gifted and Talented Babies to bra straps and Bellinis” — “Urban Momfare” tells the story of an outsider (a woman from Pittsburgh, natch) who moves to Manhattan and begins to navigate the crazy parenting landscape with the help of two new NYC friends.
I chatted with Grayson about the musical, trophy wives and general parenting mayhem.
“Urban Momfare” is based on your own experience as an Upper East Side mom. A lot of people think of the UES as pretty much the headquarters of competitive parenting and status. Tell me about it.
So, I grew up on the Upper East Side in the ’70s, and now my daughter attends the same school that I went to, which I’m not going to name. I had the perspective of my own childhood here and then seeing how things morphed into complete insanity. Manhattan in the ’70s was a different place, it was much more laid-back. Now it’s so in your face. Everyone is riding around in an Escalade with a driver. They don’t need to wear flats because they don’t need to walk!
It’s funny, I’ve had these conversations with other Manhattan natives who went to private schools. They say, “Sure, there was money, but now there is MONEY.”
Exactly! I once wrote a piece called “The Summer Walk of Shame” about how I didn’t have a country place. I felt like the doormen were looking at me and feeling sorry for me! [Laughs]
And what about that other neighborhood of parenting lunacy, Park Slope?
Here’s the thing about Park Slope: The parents pretend they’re not about money and status. At least [on the Upper East Side] we admit it, we don’t pretend to be low-key and Bohemian! But you know, the whole city — the whole country — has gotten crazy about parenting, it’s just that in New York, it’s always going to be to the Nth degree. And as much as I deplore some of the over-the-top attitudes, I do love New York.
What are the types of moms you meet on the Upper East Side? That sounds like the title of a Mitch Albom novel, doesn’t it?
OK, so if we’re going to go into types, there’s one set, like me, who are the natives. We grew up here, we’re more relaxed. We don’t need to work as hard — we already know where to go for stuff, what the schools are, the general landscape. Then you’ve got the newer people, the strivers, the major social climbers — the trophy wives. You know, the women who have to have their kids go to the right school, have the best apartment, etc. Their job is to run the household, and they’re going out all the time, going to benefits. It’s a full-time job to be Mrs. So-and-So! They’ve got a lot of maintenance going on: gym, spa, facialist.
They don’t call them “trophy wives” for nothing.
It’s amazing how much time and energy goes into maintaining that! Then there are the women who are working. I live on Park Avenue, and there are women who have serious jobs. These aren’t women who lunch — they are CFOs and doctors and they aren’t as involved in the social scene.
Sounds like those women lucked out. Let’s talk about the school admissions process.
On the Upper East Side, people are judging you so much more by where your kids go to school than by how much money you make. Each school has its own reputation. I know someone who wanted to switch their daughter from one school to another because she felt like a second-class citizen!
The daughter felt like a second-class citizen?
No, the mother did! And the thing was, her daughter went to a great school, but it wasn’t THE school. I had a funny experience: Our daughter got into one of the best preschools, and we turned them down because we weren’t crazy about the attitude there. It was as if we had turned down Harvard. The school kept bothering us. They were like, “But no one turns us down! What do you mean, you’re not coming?”
The school was like a handsome hedge fund guy who’s like, “What do you mean, you don’t want to date me?”
Exactly! Rejection did not sit well with them. That was pretty much their attitude: “You should kiss my feet and be happy.”
Tell me tales of excess. When people read about the Upper East Side, they wish to hear tales of excess.
Yes, certainly. That comes out a lot at the birthday parties — the gift-giving, where parents are giving Tiffany bracelets to a 10-year-old girl. And the party favors! You’d think it was a bat mitzvah, except it’s for a 6-year-old girl! You leave the party, and your kid gets a beautiful thermos with [her] own name painted on it! I think these goody bags cost more than the present we got for the birthday boy or girl. But, again, it’s not just the Upper East Side. People with money are doing ridiculous things all over the country. Everyone suddenly thinks they’re Beyoncé.
What’s the biggest sign, for you, of how much things have changed in the neighborhood since you grew up here?
There was a time I was waiting to pick my daughter up outside the school, and I looked down the block and there was an entire line of black Escalades lining up for school pickup. And I thought, “We’re not in Kansas anymore.” Or rather, “We’re not in Manhattan circa 1975.” Maybe one person in my class had a driver, and she was embarrassed about it. She would meet him around the corner! Where’s the shame?
The person who’s ashamed is probably the one who pulls up to pickup in a cab.
Exactly! Drannies — driver nannies — are all the rage and have been for a while now. In a weird way, it makes sense — when you have older kids, you want someone to drive them around for all those extracurriculars. If your kid is going from the Upper East Side to Chelsea Piers because they must attend “the best” gymnastics class, it takes forever to get down there — you might as well have gone to New Jersey! It’s like being a soccer mom in the city. You either have a driver, or you’re doing the driving.
Do you think the mommy wars are mostly exaggerated or are they real?
Yes, to some extent they’re real, and the show reflects some of that. There’s certainly some competitiveness and bragging. But mainly, I think it’s not so much moms against each other, it’s more our culture against us. Some mothers are annoying, but essentially we’re all trying to do the best we can within this crazy world we live in. We’re all kind of ducking for cover, and there’s a solidarity in that.
What about the working moms and the trophy moms on the UES — do they spar, or do they co-exist peacefully?
You know, I think these days, even if you’re a stay-at-home mom, you have to be doing something. Even the trophy wives are starting businesses! Granted, they are being funded by their husbands, which is a lot easier. They open a boutique. They all have a handbag line or a jewelry line. These are things you can do VERY part-time. They probably make zero profit, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone says they’re working.
Best advice you can give to new parents?
Find people you can relate to. If you can find some support group with other women, it’ll make it so much easier. You have to seek them out. Sometimes you have to switch friend groups a few times! But, in general, your best protection is a healthy sense of humor. We all laugh at other people — that’s easy! But for yourself, know when you’re going too far, and laugh at yourself, too.
“Urban Momfare” is presented by Emerging Artists Theatre at Theatre 80, 80 St. Mark’s Place. The show runs from Saturday to Aug. 24. For information about showtimes and tickets, visit fringenyc.org.