As I’ve written before, I love my job. And I love hotels.
I love the mystery and adventure behind every new guest room door.
And as someone who spends considerably more than half of her nights in hotels, I love that the travel industry is constantly trying to “surprise and delight” and to raise the bar on luxury.
But a lot of what’s caught on as luxurious genuinely mystifies me. Here’s what I find most confounding.
Couple’s massages
Think about it: Wouldn’t we all prefer to breathe and groan in private?
Butlers
I have never known what to do with a hotel butler. The relationship is awkwardly subservient, and it is that hard to simply call room service or the concierge myself? And whole packing/unpacking thing? No, thank you.
I want to know where I put everything myself, and while I don’t travel with anything terribly embarrassing, I don’t necessarily want anyone to see everything that’s in my suitcase.
Elaborate technology
I might be interested in learning a complicated “smart home” system with 10 varied “lightening scenarios” and a balky iPad interface if it was, you know, in my home and I planned to use it on a regular basis.
But for one or two nights, who has the patience? Know what technology works intuitively, is universally understood and pretty much never crashes? A light switch.
‘Personal’ greetings on the TV screen
My first question when a hotel receptionist is showing my me room is all too often “How do I turn this thing off?” (See above.) I’ve already decided to come here; there’s no need to woo me with soft music and the stream of enticing images of beaches and sunsets.
And I don’t believe you for one second that when the TV is computerized to read “Welcome, Ms. XXXX,” someone has taken a personal interest in welcoming me.
Indigenous spa treatments
It’s hard to beat a classic massage. But in the race to stand out — and get press — spas have revived every last healing tradition, including some that died out for good reason, and some that never really existed.
I knew the indigenous treatment thing had jumped the shark about eight years ago, when a Caribbean spa offered me a “native conch shell scrub.”
Turns out, conch shells are so hard it took someone a couple days to pulverize enough for one treatment, and unlike sugar or salt or things that actually work in scrubs, conch doesn’t dissolve. I was picking tiny shell bits out of my navel three days later.
Breakfast buffets
Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. And I love having the chance to indulge in hollandaise or crème brulee French toast — or even poached eggs or oatmeal that I don’t have to make or clean up after.
But I’m happy to eat just one meal at a time and don’t need 50 items to choose from, and those steam tables with their lukewarm vats of watery eggs just gross me out.
Walk-in closets
Who travels with that much stuff? Use the space for a bigger bathroom, or a proper work space in my bedroom, instead.
Show kitchens
No one other than hotel designers does this. Even restaurants with open kitchens (and I don’t much enjoy those, either) have ways to let some of the magic happen while hidden from view.
But hotel developers have gotten the idea to give chefs complicated jobs to do, and make them all do them completely in the open. Haven’t we all watched enough Food Network to know what cooking looks like?
I end up just feeling sorry for the kitchen brigade — surely they’d be happier if they could swear and fight as they work, without have to perform as entertainment.
Chill-out club music at breakfast
I call this one “W in the 90s,” as it hasn’t really changed since then. Why does everyone think we want to groove on Morcheeba as we wait for the caffeine to kick in.
This stuff is what they play when they want club-goers to go home, so why do they think we want to hear it while getting ready to seize the day?
Signature scents
At best they’re undetectable, while at worst they’re artificial and cloying — and inescapable. Plenty of people are genuinely sensitive to these (especially if they’re pregnant or ill), and anyone who is a scent-iphile will travel with her own scented candle for her room or aromatherapy oils for her body.
They shouldn’t have to compete with anything else.