The State of TV Golf in the United States, or How To Burn Water:
Faux-hip crazy talk — the kind never spoken by golfers before, after or during golf — continues to dominate telecasts, doing for golf’s audiences what Mike Mayock does for — and to — football viewers.
Early Friday morning from the British Open, as a graphic showed Phil Mickelson to be 1-over, ESPN’s Tom Rinaldi let go with this one: “Phil still one over the wrong side of level.” Nurse!
Then there’s Scott Van Pelt, who — when not playing a cool-dude, wise-guy ESPN studio anchor — helps anchor ESPN’s golf, during which he parrots every ridiculous golf expression as only heard on
TV. In other words, no one actually hits a ball into a bunker, “the ball finds the bunker.”
Makes one wonder why a world-class pro would choose to play a ball that finds bunkers?
Even if it all stems from an attempt to mimic aristocratic verbal nuances and affectations of British commentators — thus the 18th hole, the last three days on ESPN, became “the last” — silly is silly.
In his memoirs, British World War I junior officer then World War II Gen. William Slim asks, “Why has a perfectly good word such as ‘dawn’ been replaced by ‘at first light’?”
If one isn’t in the mood for absurdities — especially at first light — it can be aggravating.
Friday morning, ESPN waited until just after first-round leader Rory McIlroy teed of before killing live coverage to show him in a day-before interview. Small wonder, too. McIlroy said it’s important to birdie the par-5s, which, oddly enough, was an outlook he shared with every player.
When the recording ended, ESPN showed Francesco Molinari putting to try to take the lead — on tape!
This British Open sustained American TV’s transparent, comically contrived habit of listing Tiger Woods ahead of those with whom he is tied.
This systemic farce Friday placed Woods, at -3, as the last name listed on the first page of ESPN’s leaderboard, while six others, tied with Woods, trailed him. Yup, once again Woods was the clear leader among those with the same score.
However, after he began Round 2 with a double bogey then a bogey, rather than squeeze 20 names on the first page of the leaderboard — perhaps in agate font — to include Woods, ESPN was forced to remove him, relegating him to Page 3, but still the leader among 20 or so at even-par.
ESPN’s crawl Friday included the running time until Woods’ scheduled tee time, i.e., “34:24,” “34:23,” “34:22.” Happy New Year!
It’s ludicrous. Thursday, as Woods shot 3-under, the cry from ESPN’s crew was “He’s back! He’s back!”
Friday, as he got off to a bad start then worsened, the theme turned to a somber, almost mournful, “His back. His back. He’s still rusty. Of course, we couldn’t have expected otherwise.”
Anyway, there’s little hope of improvement. Another transparency has been delivered, this one by FOX, which next year enters the golf TV business with, among other events, the U.S. Open, previously televised by NBC and ESPN — the latter in the annual belief that Chris Berman would enhance our enjoyment.
Last week FOX announced it has hired Holly Sonders, late of Golf Channel. Sonders, who played Division I college golf, may, as it relates to golf, be a good hire. But that may not be particularly relevant, as she was packaged and presented — and continues to be — as a “hot golf babe.”
Or was it a coincidence that FOX’s emailed announcement of Sonders’ hiring included a full-page, come-hither, plunging neckline glamor shot?
Regardless, the cynic in me senses that much of what Sonders has to say during golf telecasts will be spoken while she’s on camera. Back up to you fellas in the tower on 18, er, I mean “the last.”
Somers’ stock in truth is no act
In the year-round, 24-hour presence of local sports-talk radio, the most consistent teller of hard truths may be WFAN’s character-in-residence, Steve Somers.
Thursday evening — in his sarcastic, Borscht-Belt fashion — Somers noted that for all the soulful tributes, the Derek Jeter Farewell Tour is attached to some come-and-get-it ugly.
Somers: “An autographed photo of Derek Jeter, tipping his cap, can be yours for only $700.”
Actually, Steiner Collectibles, Jeter’s and the Yankees’ contracted autograph dealer and consignment shop, is selling such an autographed photo for $750. But Somers, in discount mode, made his point.
Brings to mind Michael Kay’s early-season claim on YES, that Jeter is far too modest for such game-to-game, city-to-city attention.
“No one,” said Kay, “hates this more than Jeter.”
Yet, somehow, Jeter is able to smile, wave, doff his cap and tough it out.
Now that Carmelo Anthony has reaffirmed his deep love of New York, think there’s a chance Phil Jackson or Derek Fisher could prevail upon him to lose that “three-to-the-head” street execution gesture?
Speaking of guns, Plaxico Burress, interviewed last week in ESPN’s studio about his memories of Candlestick Park, included watching tapes of Willie Mays’ famous “over-the-shoulder catch.” Don’t know if ESPN’s hosts didn’t correct him — that 1954 World Series catch was in the Polo Grounds — as a matter of kindness or because they, too, didn’t know better.
Gwynn deserved better
Nice job by MLB during the All-Star Game, completely ignoring the passing of Hall of Famer and full-time, genuine baseball ambassador Tony Gwynn.
Reader Frank Palumbo notes that despite all the straight-up jumping, not once during ESPN’s World Cup coverage did he hear about a player “going vertical” or his “verticality.”
MLB finally figured out that the on-site replay-rule assistants, rather than wear no cap or blank caps, should wear caps that read “SAMSUNG.” To think that three months passed before this sponsorship op was seized!
More marketing: Reader Rob Pinta suggests, “This blown Yankees home-run call brought to you by the good folks at Sterling Optical.”
There’s this new show on Discovery Channel, “American Muscle,” that selected two NFL players of note to reward/feature: Ndamukong Suh and Richard Sherman. To the spoilers go the spoils!
The convicted mastermind in a $100 million-plus doctor-bribe lab scam, David Nicoll, has been forced by the Feds to forfeit assets for auction. Among them are eight Steelers’ PSLs, four Jets’
PSLs and three Eagles’ PSLs. Think the Feds will settle for 25 cents on the dollar?
That heavy fellow who is suing ESPN for “humiliating” him by showing him asleep at a Yankees-Red Sox game has subpoenaed Mike Francesa as an expert witness. Kidding, just kidding.