In memory of Robin Williams’ passing, here are 50 of his greatest jokes.
1. “If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?”
2. “The Second Amendment: It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”
3. “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”
4. “Oy! Ten thousand years in a tin can will give you such a crick in the neck!” — as Genie in “Aladdin” (1992)
5. “Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.” — as Tim Dobbs in “Man of the Year” (2006)
6. “I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21. I was so bad, she gave me a refund.”
7. “I will be there as soon as I can! You have to give me a more specific location, you are a big country. You are the kindest country in the world. You are like a really nice apartment over a meth lab.” — Reddit AMA response to a fan asking if he’d come to Canada to hug them.
8. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
9. “Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.”
10. “They said that marijuana was a ‘performance-enhancing drug.’ Marijuana enhances many things — colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not f - - king empowered. When you’re stoned, you’re lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it’s a performance-enhancing drug is if there’s a big f - - king Hershey bar at the end of the run.”
11. “The other people that came out against gay marriage were the Mormons . . . They used to perfect polygamy. A Mormon giving marital advice is like the Octomom running a Planned Parenthood clinic.”
12. “You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.”
13. “Inside of you, there’s a fashion model just waiting to throw up.” — As Fender in “Robots” (2005)
14. “My first day as a woman and I’m getting hot flashes.” — as “Mrs. Doubtfire” (1993)
15. “The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken.”
16. “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so — look at the platypus.”
17. “I think God made babies cute so we don’t eat them.”
18. “Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently — and for the same reasons.” — as Tim Dobbs in “Man of the Year” (2006)
19. “Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.”
20. ”Some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift — he’s Jewish! Give it up!”
21. “Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.”
22. “It’s more inbred than an Appalachian encounter group.” — on Los Angeles
23. “Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.’”
24. “I wonder what chairs think about all day. ‘Oh, here comes another a - - hole.’ ”
25. “Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.”
26. “I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
27. “We’re not laughing at you. We’re laughing near you.” — as John Keating in “Dead Poets Society”
28. “I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.”
29. “It’s not bad enough that they make porn movies, they make porn movies of my movies. They made ‘Good Will Humping.’ It’s okay. ‘Wet Dreams May Cum,’ all right. ‘Snatch Adams?’ That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. F - - k off! You know, ‘Popeye,’ I would watch.”
30. “If you can remember the ’60s, you weren’t there.”
31. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
32. “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
33. “And if we bury you ass up, I have got a place to park my bike.” — as “Patch Adams”
34. “A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.”
35. “You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’ ”
36. “You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.”
37. “You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna! … But you keep it all inside.” — as Armand in “The Birdcage”
38. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
39. “Ballets: men wearing pants so tight you can tell what religion they are.”
40. “Look! The moon, like a testicle, hangs low in the sky.”
41. “Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table’s ready.’ ”
From an appearance in Britain with Prince Charles and Camilla in the audience.
42. On President Obama’s name:
“Obama, which is an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, God bless us.”
43. On the end of the George Bush presidency:
“It’s the end of the reign of George the Second. The reign of error is over. America is officially out of rehab.”
44. On the American economy:
“And you can’t blame the economy on [George W. Bush]. They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That’s like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise.”
45. “Where did they get Sarah Palin? . . . Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Posh Spice? It’s like she came from some reality show — ‘Project Running Mate.’”
46. “We’ll never have a sex scandal with Jack [Nicholson]. He’s done everybody. I had Angelina Jolie and afterward she adopted me.”
47. “And you’ll never have a drug scandal. Jack’s [Nicholson] done every drug known to mankind. He’s the only guy in the world where Keith Richards will go, ‘I have to go home now, Jack.’”
48. From the “Mork & Mindy” pilot, 1978:
Mindy: “How do you say ‘Thank you’ in your language?”
Mork: “We spit.”
Mindy: “Mind if I don’t say thank you?”
Mork: “No sweat off my front.”
49. Mork: “I was a test-tube baby. My father was an eye-dropper, the scum. He ran off with a bottle of nose drops.”
50. Mork: “Why a man dates a woman?”
Fonzie: “Don’t men date on your planet?”
Mork: “Hard to tell. Parts are interchangeable.”